The Three Wizards of Inspection

Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other third is covered with auditors from headquarters.

— Norman Ralph Augustine

Hi, my name is Wane. I'm basically just your average weeaboo. Yes, I have a waifu and all that crap, but I'm not here to talk about that. Recently, something rather strange has come up. And the people, or rather, things involved have disappeared without a trace, so unfortunately I cannot provide any proof. So I just need you to read this with an open mind and consider everything I have written down. I'm not just some schizophrenic rambling about pancake land.

It all started about a week ago, when I was chatting in a Skype call with my friend, Tommy. We were having an average conversation.

"So, Wane. How's your sex life?"

"Same ol' "dick in the dakimakura" situation."

"Ha ha ha, you are so funny Wane."

"I don't really see what's so funny about that."

"It is so funny because you are named Wane and you stick your wane into fake girls. Ha ha ha."

"Fuck off Tommy."

"Anyway, I recently heard about something."

"And what did you hear about, Tommy?"

"A man's house recently disappeared out of thin air. He is living in a tent where his house used to be, and is cuckoo crazy. He is saying that a bunch of milky bleachy things went to his house and stole it. It is so obvious that he is wrong. Lisa must have went to his house and tore it apart."

"I'm just gonna go ahead and end the call..."

"I am telling you! She will tear us all a-"

I ended the call. Tommy is a literal fucking idiot, but I decided to look up the incident he was talking about. And from what I saw, it was pretty legit. It eventually got late, so I decided to go to bed. I went in the love room, which had a bed with Sakuya and Chen body pillows, and plopped down with my dick out. But before I fell asleep, I thought to myself: "While waifus are great and all, it would be really nice to meet and fuck and actual 3D girl.". I then fell asleep.

I had a strange dream that night. In the dream, there were strange white silhouettes slurping up liquid. When I woke up, I went through the day normally. But the next night I had the same dream. I decided that this might have to do with the incident, so the next morning I set out to go to the man whose house disappeared so I could find out what was going on.

I had arrived at the man's house. Or rather, what was left of it. I gazed at the tent that was right in the middle of where the house once was. There were strange noises coming from the tent that were obviously made by the man. I decided to try and get his attention.

"Hello?"

The man came running out of the tent.

"What do you want! I'm busy warding the evil spirits away with my hula dance!"

"I've been having a reoccurring dream and thought you might know why."

He looked at me in shock.

"Come inside. quickly!"

I followed behind him.

"So, kid, what is this dream about."

"Three white figures slurping liquid."

"My god, it's just as I feared."

"What?"

"They're coming for you, lad."

"Who?"

"The three wizards of inspection."

"Are they the ones who took your house?"

"Yes, and soon they will take yours. However, I know a way of warding them off."

"How?"

The man ripped his shirt off.

"Rub my nipples."

"What!?"

"Rub my fucking nipples!"

"Why the fuck would I want to rub your nipples!?"

"Only the teat juice of the once innocent will protect you from them!"

I ran away as fast as I could. This confirmed that the dream must have been a coincidence, as this man belonged in a shuffle with other like-minded people. I went home, and went to bed. Annoyingly, I had the same dream again.

The next morning I decided that I should just relax to get my mind off of the dream. So I decided to play a bit of Touhou (which of course, is the exact opposite of relaxing). All this resulted in was learning how unnaturally high my voice can go when screaming in anger. I did this for a while. Eventually, I heard someone knock on the door, so I went to go answer it.

I answered the door. When I opened it, I realized the crazy guy was right, and that I had made a mistake. Instead of asking "what?" and "why?", I should have just asked "where?". Because standing outside of my house were three skeletons wearing Party City wizard hats. On the left was a green hat. On the right was a blue hat. In the middle was a red hat. They all began to speak in voices similar to Skeletor's.

"I am the Wizard of Balls." said the red-hatted boneman.

"I am the Jew Wizard." said the green-hatted boneman.

"And I am the Sad Wizard." said the blue-hatted boneman.

They started to speak in perfect harmony.

"We are The Three Wizards Of Inspection."

The Wizard of Balls spoke again.

"We are here to perform an audit on your house. You have contacted one of the dead and we need to make sure you have no summoning means that are disturbing the balance."

"When did I contact one of the dead?" I said.

"Your friend Tommy should be able to answer that."

"Oh yeah. Tommy fucking shot himself a week ago."

"Indeed. Now step aside human, we shall begin the audit."

The three underskins ran past me. They headed directly for my bathroom. I followed behind them. The Wizard of Balls looked at the infinite mirror setup I had for the sink.

"This is quite peculiar." he said.

"What is?" I said.

"There seems to be portals to many parallel universes. Are you a fellow wizard?"

"No, they're just mirrors."

"Interesting. Modern times seem to have a new word for portal."

"No, they're mirrors."

"Exactly, they transport you to other places."

"No, they reflect stuff."

"So, the word reflect is used for transport nowadays?"

"No, it copies the image."

"So let me get this straight, it takes the room."

"Yes."

"Duplicates it."

"Yes."

"And creates portals to parallel universes that were created by it?"

"No."

"If that's the case, then it must take rooms."

"Yes."

"Duplicate them."

"Yes."

"And only create parallel universes."

"No."

"I give up. What I should be asking is why this is in your bathroom if you are not a wizard."

"Infinite mirrors look nice, I guess."

The Wizard of Balls gave me a suspicious look. He then walked over to the shower curtain. He opened it up, and he saw my mannequin of which I replaced the head with a duck head. This rattled his bones.

"W-What is this?"

"Duckman."

"And what is -gulp- Duckman?"

"A man that is a duck."

"A-A-And why is he in your sh-shower?"

"I share it with him."

"L-Let's just move on to the next room..."

The hardened milkmen walked into my room. I had paused my game of Touhou before answering the door, since I am not a fucking idiot. However, the Jew Wizard walked over to my monitor with high interest. After staring at the screen for about 30 seconds, he walked over to me and started whispering.

"So, you also play Touhou?"

After he said this, I felt a bit relieved. It's nice to find someone who is into the same thing as you. I quickly replied.

"Yes, I do."

"Can we fuck?"

"No."

After I rejected his offer, he looked very sad. The Wizard of Balls had just finished checking the room, and was ready to move to the next one. The walking calcium pills moved to my closet. Inside my closet was a giant pentagram with a shrine to Stefan Karl in it. The Wizard of Balls spoke.

"So you lied! You are a fellow wizard!"

"Okay, you got me. But I'm certainly no wizard."

"Well, it's not a problem since it doesn't seem like you contacted any of the dead with this. Only demons. What do you use this for?"

"Every time Stefan Karl's cancer comes back, I sacrifice someone to make it go away."

"Okay. We just need you to leave the room so we can put a seal on this that won't let you contact any of the dead."

I left the room and closed the door. As I waited, I overheard their conversation. The Wizard of Balls spoke first.

"It is time to put the seal on this. We must spread the magical liquid and slurp."

Sounds of intense slurping then came from the room for about 10 minutes. After that, they came out. The Wizard of Balls spoke.

"We are done with the audit. You are free to go."

"Really?"

"Yes."

They then suddenly ran out my door and disappeared without a trace. I was very confused, but I was glad that my house was still intact. I then heard the doorbell again. I walked down to my door very worried about what might happen. When I opened it, a ragged-looking girl was standing outside my door. She spoke.