The Tragedy of the Vegetable Man
The Vegetable Man was always obsessed with vegetables. Ever since he was a child, all Vegetable Man wanted was to become a vegetable. A dream of which his parents mocked him for. In fact, the only person to truly appreciate Vegetable Man's weird fantasy was his identical twin brother Polo. Polo was the exact opposite of Vegetable Man; he had gone to Fordham University with one of McCluskey's sons. He then moved back to Lost Heaven and opened up a motorbike rental shop in Central Island. Vegetable Man on the other hand did not have any plans for his future. His sole motivation was vegetables.
What had caused his insane love for veggies? Nobody knows in all honesty. Not even Polo or Vegetable Man's parents know what caused him to develop such a love for the veg. Now Vegetable Man's parents had tried taking their son to see Dr Carrot a world famous doctor who claimed to be able to cure any addiction. Sadly, Dr Carrot was actually a major scam artist who would spend every session telling Vegetable Man about the correct way to press buttons on a typewriter. After awhile, Vegetable Man's parents agreed to stop sending their son to the sessions.
In school, Vegetable Man would always arrive dressed as a tomato bush. The other kids would point and laugh at him. Even Vegetable Man's teacher Mrs Ratface would laugh at him. This was rather ironic as Mrs Ratface was proper ugly she looked like a ratface as the name implies. She was also the mother of the late great Johnny Ratface who also attended the school with Vegetable Man. Ratface would eat all Vegetable Man's tomatoes which would make him cry a bucket of tears.
I should also mention that Vegetable Man is proper stupid and failed school which of course prevented him from going to college. He went straight into the world of work and managed to land a job in a restaurant owned by none other than Mr Parks. Yes that Mr Parks. I hope you're still reading the Bruno Tattagllia/Oliver Charles funnypasta guide cause there's a lot going on in there as Karl Pilkington would say. Anyways, Parks forced Vegetable Man to wear a suit at all times. Unfortunately for Parks, Vegetable Man received his now iconic vegetable suit as a present from Polo for getting a job. Parks was known to be very choosy and strict with who he chooses to be his employees.
One day, Mr Parks was incredibly nervous as his restaurant was getting a visit from Governor Jones. Governor Jones is the main finical backer for the restaurant and is essentially Mr Parks' boss. The morning before Jones' arrival, Mr Parks held an emergency meeting in his office with Vegetable Man. "What do you want Boss?" Vegetable Man asked. "I need some assurance from you my boy." Mr Parks said before continuing with, "I need a strict guarantee that you will not do anything stupid or anything vegetable related in front of Governor Jones. He's practically our boss ya know?" Mr Parks then saw that Vegetable Man was busy playing Angry Birds and thus hadn't heard of a word what Parks had to say.
Mr Parks threw the phone out of Vegetable Man's hands before grabbing a massive juicy apple from his desk. "Allow me to put this in a way that your simple mind may be able to understand." Mr Parks said as he held the apple up to Vegetable Man's face. "If you mess up tonight then this what will happen to you." He then squeezed the apple breaking it instantly. "Message understood Boss." Vegetable Man admitted as Mr Parks replied, "very good boy now get out there and start waiting tables!" "Yes sir!" Vegetable Man proclaimed before running out of Mr Parks' office.
That evening, Governor Jones arrived at the restaurant and was let in by Mr Parks. "Thank you Parky." Governor Jones muttered as he handed his coat over to Parks who sniffed it because it smelt like apples. Yeah Mr Parks has a serious problem when it comes to apples. Don't laugh peeps or else I'll smack you across your meaty chops. Governor Jones was escorted to a table by Parks as Vegetable Man arrived to take Jones' order. "I'll have beans on toast please." Governor Jones ordered as Vegetable Man began making his way to the kitchen. Before heading to the kitchen, Vegetable Man looked back at Governor Jones who looked bored. Now was Vegetable Man's chance to put the odds back in his favour.
Vegetable Man headed into the changing room and grabbed his vegetable outfit which he kept with him at all times. He then headed back to Governor Jones' table and jumped on top of it. I should also mention that the restaurant was full to the brim with people. "Hello everybody I'm the Vegetable Man and I'm gonna sing a song." Vegetable Man then began singing 'Take On Me' while dancing like a mad man in his vegetable suit. Governor Jones ended up fainting as he was deathly afraid of vegetables, An experience brought on by his mother who used to force Jones to eat broccoli every hour on the hour. Mr Parks yanked Vegetable Man off the table before yelling, "You're fired my boy fired!" "What fired but why?" Vegetable Man asked. "You know damn well why." Mr Parks answered as he carried Governor Jones to an ambulance which had appeared outside magically.
Thanks to Mr Parks' connections in the business world, Vegetable Man was unable to get himself another job. He ended up renting an apartment with Polo on the outskirts of Lost Heaven. Polo was getting sick of his brother's vegetable addiction and had his vegetable suit burnt by his friend Ira Hogeboom. Sadly, Ira ended up burning an ant hill which caused him to start crying. You see ole Hogeboom loved ants in fact he's married to ant. Yeah he's actually married to an ant. Are you really that surprised? No of course you're not you silly little chicken nugget happy meal. Anyways, Hogeboom rang Polo up the night after the burning and cried, "I heard the ants screaming! How can I find peace!?" "Hogeboom relax eat a Snickers." Hogeboom ate a snickers as Polo asked, "better?" "Better." Hogeboom responded. Yeah all Hogeboom needed was a snickers. I find this odd as Snickers are fucking disgusting but then again I digress.
As you might expect, Vegetable Man lost his shit when he discovered that his suit was missing. He asked Polo, "brother have you seen my vegetables?" "I think you left them in Brandon's house." Polo responded. This annoyed Vegetable Man even though he had never met a man named Brandon in all his life. Whoever this Brandon was he had Vegetable Man's suit and Vegetable Man wanted it back. So Vegetable Man began going through the phonebook in order to find if anyone named Brandon lived in the same apartment complex as him and Polo. He discovered that some farmer bird named Brandon Sinclair lived in a farmhouse just north of Central Island. Vegetable Man caught a cab to the farmhouse where he saw that Mr Sinclair was busy trying to get rid of some grubby worms who were munching on all his plants.
Upon confrontation, Sinclair revealed that he didn't have the vegetable suit but then gave Vegetable Man another offer. "If you help rid my land of these greedy worms I'll give you this power crystal." Vegetable Man was very impatient and instead shot Sinclair with a ray gun killing him instantly. He stole Sinclair's phonebook and discovered that a man named Brandon Richards worked as a janitor at an aquarium on the far side of town. This was the guy. It had to be right? Well at least that's what Vegetable Man thought anyway.
Vegetable Man snuck into the aquarium by giving the only security guard on duty a poisonous apple which Vegetable Man had taken from Sinclair's farm. "Oh no!" The security guard cried as he held his stomach before heading inside the bathroom. You know that apple probably killed him because Sinclair laced it with pesticide. Oh so sad not like you care anyway right? I mean seriously; did you care about the security guard and his boring story. That security guard was just one week away from retiring to the Bahamas with his wife of thirty years. Yeah bet you didn't know that did you peeps?
Wow that got depressing real fast. Um.... potatoes! Yeah... anyways, Vegetable Man arrived at the shark tank exhibit where he saw that Brandon Richards was busy mopping the floors. "You have something which belongs to me!" Vegetable Man yelled at the top of his lungs. "What are you talking about? Look if you're talking about that vegetable suit of yours I didn't take it." Richards responded as Vegetable Man asked, "then who has it?" "Your smelly brother and his fat friend have it or least they did have it. They set it on fire. I saw them do it but I didn't do anything to stop it as I was busy feeding the pigeons with my bro Bert." Yeah Brandon Richards was Bert's brother. The plot thickens. "That son of a bitch!" Vegetable Man yelled as he threw a spear into the shark tank. "Good luck with the shark asshole!" Vegetable Man laughed as he made a hasty retreat from the aquarium. The glass on the shark tank began to crack as a great white shark swam up to smile at Richards. "Oh cra..." Brandon was cut off as the entire aquarium was destroyed by the river that erupted from the broken shark tank.
In fact, the flooding from the tank was so massive that half of Lost Heaven was swept underwater by it. Mr Parks' restaurant was lost so karma finally got his fat ass. The flooding was so bad that General R. Asquith had to be summoned to the scene. Vegetable Man meanwhile confronted Polo over burning his vegetable outfit. Polo in a rare moment of intelligence realised just how much vegetables really meant to his dear brother. He bought Vegetable Man an exact replica of the suit from a store over in Midtown. Vegetable Man was eternally grateful for Polo buying him a new suit. Sadly, both men had flee the city as General Asquith had put out a manhunt for them. He had also placed Lost Heaven under martial law until both men were captured and brought to justice.
Vegetable Man and Polo ended up moving to Chicago where they managed to find work under Gus Polinski poker king of the Midwest. Polinski had helped smuggle the pair into Chicago because they claimed to love his music even though in reality they thought it was fucking terrible because it is. Vegetable Man eventually moved from his brother's side by getting a job at the M&M Factory over in Empire Bay.
This didn't last for very long; as Vegetable Man ended up releasing the M&M Minis into the factory which made Red M&M very cross and I mean proper cross. His face turned even redder than usual. Red chased Vegetable Man for hours, for days, and for even months. Vegetable Man was eventually able to buy Red off by giving him a diamond crusted egg. A big one too. "I reckon it's a double yoaker." Red said as he handed the egg over to Yellow who laughed a mighty laugh before dropping the egg on the road causing it roll down the hill. Meanwhile, Trevor Evans who was busy helping Fireman Sam put a new wheel on Trevor's bus became distracted by the rolling egg and dropped the wheel in the process. The wheel began rolling down the hill too as Sam cried, "oh Trevor!"
Vegetable Man finally settled upon work as an entertainer at the local comedy club. There he was able to find people who truly appreciated him for who he was. He was Vegetable Man and he didn't care who knew it. He was able to get himself a nice house which sat on a hill. Property agent Patcha had advised Vegetable Man to get the house as he claimed that when the sun hits those hills just right they sing.
Meanwhile, Polo and Gus Polinski went on tour and became world famous musicians. This was until both men fell out over a fragment of underdone potato. The pair are currently making solo music. I wouldn't recommend listening to either one's music to be honest with ya peeps. As it's fucking horrible either way. Also, Polo was eventually able to find a new singing partner who just so happened to be Brian O'Neil leader of the local Irish Mob. Sadly, their music videos are very badly filmed as the cameraman always zooms in on Brian's chin like some kind of Jack Krauser.
So there you have it peeps; the fall and rise of Vegetable Man. He went from being a smelly waiter to a successful comedian. Sometimes; even the smelliest of losers can make it big. Meanwhile, Vegetable Man's bullies from school all work at a smelly factory in London where their boss refuses to let them have Christmas day off. Now that's just sick. So if you're having a bad time in life just think about the Vegetable Man and his struggles. Maybe then you'll make it big but until then just eat Snickers.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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