Bowser's Blood Machine

One dark night, under a blood moon...I got down spectactular for Mario's juicy meatballs and spaghetti. So I made my way to a local video game store. I had never been there before, but I heard they had some great games.

The moment I walk through the door, the clerk at the counter says "Greetings...........................TIM ANDY"

I gaped. "HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?! I NEVER MET YOU!"

"I CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR SKIN. AND I CAN SEE YOUR BLOOD RUSHING THROUGH YOUR VEINS. UPON EVERY LAST BLOOD CELL THAT TRAVELS THROUGH YOUR BODY YOUR NAME IS WRITTEN: TIMMMMMM ANDYYYYYYY. So what kind of game are you looking for?" She just smiles.

I was frozen, too spooked to answer, but just then she says, "Oh right! This ain't a bloody restaurant. Go choose for yeself." So I just shook off my spookedness and I go choose for meself.

I find this game cartridge of a Mario game I had never seen before. At least, I had never heard Nintendo talk about it, but it still appears to be officially licensed for some reason. The game was titled Bowser's Blood Machine. The cover has a plain white background with an illustration of a single red blood drop, with Mario's famous M symbol on the blood drop.

I walk up to the creepy clerk lady and ask "Dude..........................how much?"

"2 dollar"

2 dollars have been dollaned.

I walk home under the blood moon, and I put the Bowser's Blood Machine disk into my TV, and I pick up my remote to play the game. But just as I do that, I realize something bizarre about this gaming situation.........why am I controlling this game with a TV remote? Whatever, I'm aroused to get my enticing Mario fix.

But just then, probably the scariest thing appeared on my TV screen. I don't know about you, but it spooked me personally.

On the title screen is Mario sitting in a white room with an IV stand hooked up to him, and I can read the sign on the wall behind him...A, B, AB, O...is this a game about blood donation?! I couldn't help but say aloud, "Really, Nintendo?! No wonder they never talk about this game. How boring!"

But just as I said that, Mario turned to me and said, "Do not-a worry, it-a will be a good-a game...............TIM ANDY" and I screamed! But I played the game anyway because Mario promised it would be good and I love him very much.

The game starts with Mario is at his house. He says, "It's-a me, Mario! I have-a no princesses to-a save today, so I'm-a gonna go to the Blood-a Bank so I can-a still be SUPER!!!" He exits the house, then the black screen showing World 1-1 shows up, but the little Mario in the lives counter is replaced with a blood drop. As the level begins, Mario shouts, "SUPER MARIO BLOOD-A DONOR!" and it turns out to just be an average platformer. I'm relieved it's still an actual game. I complete the easy first level, and Mario does his usual flagpole-sliding and castle entrance, but instead of an M symbol, the flag has a blood drop symbol, and instead of a castle, Mario enters a hospital.

As Mario walks into the hospital doors, the doctor is facing away from him...but when the doctor turns around...it was Bowser, with an evil grin. Mario screamed! But then Bowser says, "Hello, Mr. Mario. I am here to help you donate blood. Shall we begin to process your blood donation?" and Mario smiled and said, "Yes, Dr. Bowser. I am-a ready to-a donate my-a blood."

Doctor Bowser takes Mario to a white room, and he gets Mario all hooked up to the Blood Machine, but before turning it on, Bowser says, "You fell for my trap, Mario! BWA HA HA HA HA!" and he set the Blood Machine to MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE. The Blood Machine drained Mario of ALL his blood! Then, Dr. Bowser, while laughing evilly, changed out the blood bag hooked to the machine, which had an Italian flag on it, with a new blood bag that had an American flag on it. He set the machine to reverse, and all of Mario's Italian blood was replaced with American blood.

Mario felt strange, he felt different, but he knew not exactly what horrific fate had fallen upon him, and it terrified him.

At this point I expected Mario to say "Mama Mia!" but he wasn't Italian anymore. He was American now. So instead he shouted "MY MOM"

Unable to say his catchphrase anymore, Mario unhooked himself from the Blood Machine and ran out of the hospital crying. Dr. Bowser while watching Mario run away says "I don't know why he's crying. Mario isn't Italian anymore. He's normal now." Then Dr. Bowser looks directly at me and says, "YOUR NEXT"

I screamed, "No! I don't wanna get converted to Americ- wait, my next what?"

"Your next period starts tomorrow."

"Thanks for the reminder Dr. Bowser."

"You're welcome."

I was comforted inside knowing the game was only possessed by the astrally projected spirit of the clerk from the store I went to last night. By the way, before you stop reading, are you stocked up on enough maxi pads?

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