Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Bootleg Copy
I've always said that the PlayStation 2 is the best console on the market, and I'm sure that a lot of you lovely people will agree on that fact. I mean with so many great games like Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, Mafia, The Simpsons: Hit And Run, Kingdom Hearts 2, Ratchet and Clank, Jak and Daxter, Shadow Of The Colossus and so many more it's not very hard to see why it is regarded as one of the best video game consoles of all time.
Sadly about a month ago, my ps2 broke for no real reason. It was most likely due to old age as I had had the bloody thing since 2006. Since I loved it so much, I didn't wait every long before I went to search for a new ps2.
Unfortunately, money wasn't very good at the moment as I owed £50,000 to the Russian Mob and their boss Mikhail Faustin. I know Playstation 2's aren't that expensive but still.
About a week after my old ps2 busted, I went to my local CEX, and asked the manager if they had any ps2's. "Nah mate we ain't got none of them." The manager said rudely. Disappointed I turned to leave but I was stopped by the manager who told him that he had seen an elderly man selling a ps2 in the alleyway just outside the store.
I thanked him for telling me this, and I made my way over to where the elderly guy was selling the console. The guy looked a lot like Professor Dumbledore. He looked at me and said, "sup wanna buy this ps2?" "Yes please! How much do you want for it?" I asked. "Take it for free!" The old guy proclaimed happily. "For free?" I asked like some sort of horny duck. "Fuck no! I want roast beef!" The old man yelled angrily. I was lucky enough to have some beef on me at the time so I gave him it. "Good good and now you can have your console." He handed me the ps2 which was mint in the box. I thanked him profusely, and made my way out of the alleyway. As I left, I could hear the old man taking a shit in a trash can.
I entered my house, and unboxed the ps2. I then got it set up, and made sure that it worked.
When I was sure that it worked I went to go chuck the box in the bin. However, I noticed that there was a game inside the box. What was the game you may be asking? Well dear reader that game was none other than Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.
However, there was a little subtitle under the title which read, 'Bootleg Cut.' I was excited since Vice City was my favourite game of all time, and I was super stoked to play a bootleg version of the game! I already had Vice City on ps2, but now I had a bootleg version to go with it
The cover was normal aside from the subtitle as well as the back. However, it had an adult only rating instead of the normal 18 rating. I opened up the case, and the disc had a picture of Hagrid in drag on it. I put the disc into my new ps2, and sat down on the sofa with the controller placed firmly in my hands.
The game showed no Rockstar logo's instead starting straight away with the opening cutscene which had Sonny Forelli having a meeting with some members of his family. It played like normal for the most part but the scene had a much darker contrast than normal. It didn't show Tommy Vercetti meeting with Victor Vance at the ambushed drug deal instead it cut straight to the part where Tommy gets dropped off by Ken Rosenberg.
Once I was able to play, I made my way to the Ocean View Hotel. There were no cars on the road, no pedestrians, no hookers that I could play chess with, there was no nothing. Tommy was also not wearing his trademark Hawaiian shirt instead he was dressed in a drag queen outfit like Hagrid was wearing on the disc.
The game did play somewhat normally despite these issues. With Tommy calling Sonny telling him about him losing the drugs, and I took the first mission for Ken "The Party." The mission was odd. On Cortez's boat, no characters were present. Tommy however acted completely normal like they were there. However, they popped in such as Tommy was leaving with Mercedes.
The game then did some more weird glitches with cars being way too fucking slow even the sports cars drove like a snail on crack. The cutscenes were buggy too with the language constantly changing, characters popping in and out of the scene, people who shouldn't even be in the cutscenes like a rebel biker duck gang and Winnie The Pooh were present.
There was also no map on the radar, and there wasn't in the pause menu either. My health was always at 1, and Tommy couldn't pick up any money or weapons. Also, sometimes a character model would be wrong with Lance Vance being Ken, and Ricardo Diaz being Avery Carrington.
The loading times were all ten hours long, and the music always sounded like an old Italian song you'd hear at a wedding between a gangster and his wife. I couldn't switch the radio off which made even more annoying.
Somehow, I was able to get to the mission where you get to kill Diaz. However, it went a little differently. When Tommy yells, "Diaz I've come to take over you business!" Like he normally did, Diaz didn't say anything. He didn't laughed evily, and said, "Tommy you really are a stupid prick. "What the fuck?" Tommy asked upon turning around to see a large group of Diaz's henchmen with very powerful weapons like Sawn off shotguns, sub machine guns etc. "Shit!!!!!" Tommy yelled before getting gunned down very brutally by the henchmen. Then Lance came in and yelled, "it's time for the Lance Vance Dance!" He charged towards the henchmen with his sub machine only to get gunned down just like Tommy had.
After Lance is killed, Diaz tells his boys to clean the place up before the cops arrive. Suddenly, Big Smoke came in, and asked Diaz, "what was all that about baby?" "Those stupid pricks Tommy and Lance." Diaz muttered angrily. "Hey Diaz I'm hungry how bout a number nine large with extra dip?" Big Smoke asked while holding up some food from Clucking Bell. "Smoke..... that's just what I needed!" Diaz proclaimed happily as the game cut to black, and showed the credits as white text on a black background.
But it wasn't done there yet as it showed a small post credit scene of a guy eating a tomato. I got hard like a motherducking race car.
I took the disc out of my ps2, and shoved it up my ass. No I'm being 100% serious. I shoved it up so hard that I couldn't shit anymore. Which ended up helping me in the long run as I no longer had to pay for a plumber.
I threw the case in the bin, and made my way down to the alleyway where that old man sold me that ps2. I walked up to him, and beat him to a pulp. I beat the ever loving shit out of him, and once I was done, I told him, "consider this a warning if you gave me a bootleg like this again. I will fucking kill you!" I left the alleyway, and made my way back home where I got ready for bed.
I got into bed, and I saw that Hagrid was in bed next to me. "You're a wizard." He said as we began making hot steamy waffles with syrup on them. We eventually got married, and moved into a small house in Yorkshire. Also, every Sunday from now until the end of time, I go to church thanks to Hagrid getting me into some Christian heavy metal, and pray. What am I praying for you may be asking dear reader? I pray for the souls of Tommy Vercetti and Lance Vance.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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