Max Loses It (Tweenies Lost Episode)
Anyone here remember the Tweenies? It's a really odd British children's show which ran from 6th September 1999 to 24th July 2002. Despite it's seemingly short lifespan, the show ran for a total of 390 episodes! Yeah I'm not even joking.
The show for those of you who haven't seen it centers around a group of four pre-school aged pac man looking mutants named the Tweenies who have fun, sing songs, and learn lessons in a nursery ran by two caretakers named Max and Judy.
The main four Tweenies consist of five year old Bella the eldest of the group whose also a bit rude to the other Tweenies, four year old Milo who loves football, four year old Fizz who is best friends with Bella, and lastly the three old Jake youngest member of the group, as well as being Milo's best friend. Milo also has a real hard on for Jake.
Then of course there's the owners of the nursery: Max and Judy who serve as some of the only adult characters featured on the show, though Max's sister Polly occasionally makes an appearance as well as Jake's mother, and some other adult characters including Bella's Grandmother. Max is a very kind old man who has two pet dogs named Doodles and Izzles who can talk as well. Judy on the other hand is an Irish drunk who likes cooking. She is probably the most bland out of all the characters honestly.
The show was cancelled in 2002 for unknown reasons, but what a lot of people don't know is that the show was actually originally intended to have an eighth season. In fact the season premiere was actually finished, and fully scripted and filmed. It was never made a reality though, and the show was cancelled before it could be aired on television.
From what I could find out, the episode's premise involved Max getting pestered by the other Tweenies as well as Judy, and this causes him to lose his temper in a way that has never been shown on the show before.
The title of the episode was also given the name "Max Loses It," and was a typical 20 minute episode.
I wanted to see this episode, because I loved the Tweenies, and wanted to spark some nostalgic memories. So I emailed CBeebies about the episode.
They emailed back with, "We're actually surprised someone knows about the unreleased season 8 premiere. Since you're such a good little boy, we'll send you a copy of the episode so you can see why season 8 never came to be. Just be prepared because the things you will see will make you eat your toenails, and call us 'Horse Eaters.' - CBeebies"
Three weeks later. I received a plush toy of Max with diarrhea all over it. There was a small zipper on the back of the plush toy, and I unzipped it to reveal a small blank DVD disc which had been hiden inside the plush toy. I threw the plush toy into my basement, and examined the disc.
It was blank with nothing written on it. I headed over to my TV, and popped the disc into my PlayStation 3. Apparently the disc didn't agree with my ps3 as it caused the console to make a horrifying sound. It sounded like someone scratching a chalkboard, and then farting into a megaphone. I shook that off however as the DVD set itself up.
There was no menu or commercials given the fact that this was an unreleased episode, and the main theme song began.
The theme was completely normal... that was until Bella went to introduce herself. The screen was just cut to black, and came back with the main title card.
The title card read "Max Loses It," and it showed a picture of Max putting his hands on his head as if he was trying to shut out some noise.
The episode then started with the Tweenies singing a song like they usually do at the start of every episode. They sang a weird rap song which had racial slurs, swear words, drug references, and even sexual references all thrown in there. This made me sick, and I ended up pooping myself.
I paused the episode, and went upstairs to go change my pants. I came back now wearing my shirt as pants, and resumed watching the episode.
After the rap song, Max was shown watering some flowers in the garden when Jake went out to speak to him along with Milo. "What are ya doing Max?" Jake asked while sucking on Milo's head? Um okay? Sure why not? "Just watering some flowers Jakey." Max explained. The pair then asked Max if they could play a game of tag to which Max agreed to as long as they played quietly and carefully.
Jake and Millo agree to this, and begin playing tag. However Milo ended up crashing into Max causing him to trip over, and have the watering can fall over, and spill all the water over his face as really weird music played in the background. "Sorry Max!" Milo yelled while running back inside the nursery with Jake following behind him. "It's fine Milo. I know you didn't mean to do it. Just be more careful next time." Max said as he dried himself off with a towel which he had with him for some reason.
Max walked inside the nursery, and threw his towel on a table in the kitchen. "Max can you help me and Fizz with this painting?" Bella asked as Max made his way over to the table where she and Fizz were sitting. Max helped them with their painting by drawing a picture of a big muscled man who looked like a cross between John Cena and Arthur Morgan.
Max then went into the kitchen, and threw some disgusting looking chicken into the oven to cook. Suddenly, Judy appeared in the kitchen and yelled, "Max we're out of paint!" To which Max after giving a small sigh replied, "okay Judy I'll get some now."
Max began to head out the front door with Doodles and Izzles accompanying him for the walk. However, they were on crack so they ended up dragging Max out of the door before he hadn't even said his goodbyes. It then showed the two dogs dragging Max down the streets as the song I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues by Elton John played in the background.
The episode then played like normal for a bit with Judy pressing the Tweenie clock, and saying, "Tweenie clock where will it stop?" The clock stopped on Story Time. The book which Judy read to the Tweenies was Fifty Shades of Shadow Reader. Okay this is getting werid!
Sometime later. Max finally returns with his clothes drenched in paint. Appartantly, Max had gotten the paint, and while he was walking back to the nursery the dogs saw a squirrel. They began chasing the squirrel, and it caused Max to trip over, and get the paint all over himself.
Max then realised he had left the oven on, and goes back into the kitchen only to see that it is on fire. He pulls out a fire extinguisher, and puts the fire out with it. He pulls out the chicken from earlier to see that it has been burnt to a crisp.
"Hey Max can you..." Fizz's words were cut short as Max drop kicked her in the face causing her to cry. "What did you do that for!?" Judy yelled at the top her lungs. "I've had enough of this! You guys keep forcing me to do your shit, and I'm sick of it!" Max yelled as he pulled out a machine gun.
"What are you doing!?" All the Tweenies including Judy cried out. "Something that should have been done a long time ago." Max said as he let fire on the machine gun, and brutally massacred all the characters.
Max then chopped them all up with a butcher knife, and threw their body parts into the oven. Once they were done, he took them out, and had himself a nice cannibal dinner. Once he was done eating, Max placed the plate down on the floor, and sat back on his chair with a glass of wine in his hand. Max then said, "ah this is the good life!"
The episode then ended with the normal credits, but Max was the only character shown dancing during them due to all the other Tweenies being dead.
Needless to say, I was disgusted, and quite frankly heart broken over the episode I had just watched. I emailed CBeebies to ask them why they would make such a disgusting episode. They emailed back with, "sorry love we sent you the wrong copy. The copy of the premiere you received was a small joke video we made for a Christmas party. Turns out the real premiere is completely lost in the vaults deep inside the caves of Androzani. We hope this explains everything, and we're very sorry we freaked you out. Please don't go public with the episode or else we will find you, and kill you- Lots of love CBeebies."
I decided to call 999 as I needed someone who could help me sue those bastards at CBeebies. A single policeman arrived at my door, and introduced himself as Detective Milton.
I showed Milton the episode, and after we were done watching it he said, "I believe this will help you in a law suit against CBeebies." I was about to ask him something when all of the sudden my basement door opened up, and the Max piush toy came in. It had been sentient the entire time!
Milton got up, and yelled, "Max on behalf of the Government of the United Kingdom, Cornwall Kerosene and Tar... I am here to arrest you!" Milton then threw a tommy gun at me, and said, "give him to the count five then give him everything. Actually fuck it. Let him have it!" Milton yelled as he pulled out his own tommy gun.
We began shooting at the doll as it made it's way towards us. The doll lunged towards Milton, and stabbed him in the eye with a large butcher knife similar to the one from the episode. Milton died instantly from this, and the doll made it's way towards me.
Using all my strength, I picked up the doll, and threw it into my fireplace causing it to burn to death. Once I was sure it was dead, I called 999 again, and informed them of Milton's death. Some detectives arrived not long after to question me, and brought a coroner with them to examine the body.
Another week went by, and I was out in my front garden giving my flowers a good water. When a small red and white car pulled up on the pavement beside me. Two men in well dressed suits got out of the car, and made their way towards me. "Mr Jello?" One of the men asked. "Um yes?" I said while turning to face them. "CBeebies send their regards." He finished as the other man pulled out a large shotgun. Before I could even react, the man shot me in the face.
I died instantly from the blast, and the two men got back in their car, and drove off into the distance. As I lay here dead in my own front garden I have this to say:
I think this teaches us that we should never search for lost media as we'll end up getting killed by hitmen hired by a corrupt agency. I messed up but so did Milton, and so did the Tweenies in the episode. I think it's important that you learn from my mistakes, and try not to make them yourself. Because the man who wants too much from life risks losing absolutely everything, but of course the guy who wants too little from life might end up with nothing at all.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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