Megamind Vs. Mac Tonight
It's something you hear about all the time in the entertainment industry. Franchise deals that fell through. Did you know there was almost a Nintendo PlayStation once? I'm sure we'd both be surprised at what else has been in the works that never even made it to the press circuit.
Though, I must say, it'd be hard to top my, er......most recent discovery.
Dreamworks is a bit of an interesting studio. Some regard them as the company that always lags just a bit behind Pixar in the quality department, while others seem to think that Dreamworks actually produces BETTER films than Pixar since the Dreamworks offerings tend to play things a bit less safe and dive into more mature themes.
You probably know Dreamworks for the much-beloved Shrek franchise, or maybe How to Train Your Dragon. But it was much harder to get eyes on the movie Megamind. With films from other studios like Tangled and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World releasing that same fall, the film flew somewhat under the radar, especially since Illumination's Despicable Me came out just months before and practically promoted itself with the way the Minions caught on. Megamind remains a movie only a select few truly appreciate, though you might want to brace yourself for what I'm about to tell you next.
There was almost a short promotional film made to get more eyes on Megamind, one that involved the strangest crossover you'll ever hear about.
Megamind vs. Mac Tonight.
I'll say it again.
Megamind vs. Mac Fucking Tonight.
Yes, Mac Tonight. The McDonald's mascot from the 80s with the big moon head and sunglasses. Dreamworks almost teamed up with McDonald's of all people to promote Megamind, by having him do battle with Mac Tonight.
I'm a writer for a little online website that's going to go unnamed for now. My boss has all sorts of connections to industry stuff, and since he tapped me to write an article on franchise partnerships that took a dirt nap, he got me access to a lot of interesting stuff.
Above and beyond, the Megamind/Mac Tonight crossover is what caught my attention the moment I saw it. They must've REALLY been keeping this shit under wraps, since I'm pretty sure no one, like, ever, has heard of it. The short film would've been a way for McDonald's to bring Mac Tonight back, and for Megamind to get more promotion. Apparently, it was scrapped because McDonald's decided they didn't want to tarnish the Mac Tonight character any further after......certain internet videos surfaced. They agreed to produce it ONLY if Mac Tonight was explicitly shown as the hero and Megamind as the villain, which Dreamworks disapproved of due to the ending of Megamind turning the character into more of a hero of sorts, so the deal was dropped and the project scrapped.
Here's where things start to get......weird.
Apparently by the time to project was scrapped, the entire short film had nearly been finished. The Dreamworks team was pretty pissed about their hard work going to waste, so they made some......changes to the film and released it online on some shady website. It only stayed up for about 15 minutes before being taken down by McDonald's. I didn't know exactly what changes those angry employees made, but my boss did. He told me it was quote "time to bring the whole incident to light" as he handed me a disc with the film burnt onto it.
"Wait." I asked. "You've seen this? You HAVE it?"
My boss nodded. "Yeah, I've seen it. I was one of the only lucky bastards who ever did. Screen recorded it before Macca's took it down. Nobody really gave a shit when it leaked- except for me, that is. And now, it's your responsibility. Think about it, Mark. A story that exposes a massive company like this? This could be what we've been waiting for to put us on the map."
"Yeah. I guess you're right." I said as I took the DVD somewhat reluctantly. "I'll see what kind of story I can whip up."
"That's the spirit, kid." replied my boss as I walked off with the DVD to investigate.
I went home and put the disc into my player.
"Alright. Let's see what this is all about", I said, bracing myself.
Mac Tonight began to fade into the screen as the old jingle played. It was just like the original, all the lyrics were the same and the melody was still to the tune of the song "Mac The Knife".
However, Mac seemed to be having issues remembering how the song went. He kept fucking up and restarting.
"When the clock strikes
Half past six, babe-
When the clock str-
when the clock-
When clock-"
Suddenly, Mac looked straight into the screen, said "fuck this" in a much deeper voice than usual and started rapping "Deuces" by Achozen as he knocked over his piano and began flinging his hands into the air and throwing up gang signs.
I heard some guy screaming "CUT! CUT!" over and over again, but the scene wouldn't fucking cut. It just kept playing. Mac just kept fucking rapping.
At one point, Mac started grabbing his own throat and making weird fucking choking noises.
"GAG ON MY MASSIVE BURGERS, BITCH!" Mac fucking SCREAMED before some fucking extra literally LEAPT onto the set with a massive fucking metal pipe and SMASHED Mac over the head with it.
Bits and pieces of Mac's head went flying everywhere as he fell off the fuckin' set.
Suddenly, a loud, disembodied voice yelled "MORT!" and everything cut to black.
Wh-what? What the FUCK?
We then see Megamind. He was sitting in a chair looking at a large screen playing a broadcast of Mac Tonight's massive freak-out.
"That guy's a fuckin' asshole." Megamind said as he dumped a bag of chips into his mouth.
Did Megamind just say "fuck"? Actually, back up a minute, did Mac Tonight say "bitch"? What the hell was the cursing about?
Suddenly, Mac Tonight's head started morphing back into place as he pulled out a fuckin' death ray and started blasting extremely gory holes through people like it was a fuckin' Invincible episode or something.
"Oh FUCK no!" Megamind yelled. "Hey, Minion! We gotta go!"
Minion, who was, well, Megamind's minion, appeared.
"Oh my God it's fucking Moon Man." he said.
"Wha- no, Minion, that's Mac Tonight. The McDonald's guy." said Megamind.
"I'm pretty sure that's Moon Ma-" Minion began before Megamind cut him off.
"Minion, shut the fuck up. We can't talk about that SHIT, Minion. It's fucking Mac Tonight and we are going to call him Mac Mo-Fuckin' Tonight."
"Got it." said Minion. "Mac Mo-Fuckin' Tonight."
"Without the Mo-Fuckin'." said Megamind.
"But you said Mo-Fuckin'!"
"No Mo-Fuckin'." repeated Megamind.
"But what if that's his real name?" said Minion. "Do you think they'd call it McDonald's or Mo'Fuckol-"
"Minion, I don't know what the FUCK is wrong with you, but we gotta go." said Megamind.
We cut back to Mac Tonight wreaking absolute fucking havoc everywhere before Megamind and Minion BURST through the ground.
"Who the FUCK are you, ya fuckin' jack-FUCK?" Mac Tonight screamed fuckingly. "You a little chump? Huh? You a chump? A chump-ass-chump? Well I'm gonna fucking chump you and ya little fishbowl fuck here just in time for dinner at McDonald's, BITCH!"
Mac Tonight suddenly started fucking driving his piano like a motherfucking car and shooting missles out of it before flying it into the sky like a fucking spaceship.
"Shit, Minion, duck!" yelled Megamind.
"A duck? Where?" said Minion.
"There is no duck, you dense-ass fuck! I meant GET DOWN, you fuckin' clown!"
"Ooohhhh", said Minion, right before a missle hit him in the fucking back and destroyed his entire suit of armor, bursting his little fish ass out of his bowl.
We see Mac Tonight flying his piano to Ann Arbor, Michigan for some fucking reason.
"Time to do the most despicable shit." Mac Tonight said as he passed by the University of Michigan.
I don't know how to describe it, considering that Mac Tonight's face really only has one expression, but he looked....sinister.
Mac Tonight JUMPED off his piano, SMASHED through the window of some random fuckin' lecture hall, and started rapping again.
"Michigan
Where your dreams go to die
Michigan
Wanted hope? You're out of time.
Mich-"
"What the FUCK?" screamed the fuckin' Stats Professor that had been lecturing in the room. "Those motherfuckers at MSU sent you, didn't they?"
"The fuck is MSU, biatch? Some kind of menstrual problem?" Mac yelled as he attempted to start rapping once more before the professor yelled "That is IT!", fucking LEAPT on him and tackled him to the ground, screaming "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!" over and over again.
The students, who were already fuckin' half asleep because that's just what going to U of M does to a bitch, didn't even fuckin' care.
Mac then replaced the stats on the class whiteboard with a graph about U of M's reputation as a fuckin' party school before yelling
"New assignment, class. BURN THIS MOTHA FUCKA DOWN!"
We cut to Mac Tonight and a bunch of drunk college kids sitting on Mac's flying piano and zooming through the school, blasting fuckin' cannonballs everywhere as the instrumental track of "Infinite's Theme" from Sonic Forces played.
A picture of Sonic farting appeared on screen for like half a second, but that might've honestly just been a fuckin' hallucination.
Megamind finally fuckin' popped up with a comically oversized gun and said "Alright Moonpie, time to fuckin' Moon-DIE!"
The music stopped.
"Really, dumbass? That's the best you could fuckin' come up with?" said Mac Tonight as he pulled a fucking gun out from behind his sunglasses.
The FUCK? How did he fit that back there?
"Hey, FUCK you, man!" Minion, who was now piloting what appeared to be the fucking Hulkbuster armor, said.
"I thought I killed yo' fish ass!" yelled Mac Tonight. "I'm gonna serve up a fuckin' filet o' fuckin' fish with you as the fuckin' fish, BITCH!"
The dialogue in this film was......not particularly good. Even ignoring the swearing for a moment, most of these scenes felt like ad-libbed bullshit from a couple of twelve-year-olds. "I'm gonna serve up a filet o' fish with you as the fish"? Really? THAT was the best the writers could do?
Megamind then fuckin' pole-vaulted into the air, whipped out a massive gun, and shot Mac Tonight right in the fuckin' face, causing weird black blood and bits of sunglasses to go flying everywhere.
"That hurt, you fuckin' COCK!" Mac SCREAMED as he started trying to beat Megamind to death with a fuckin' piano key.
The camera zooms out and we see that all of this is occuring inside of the U of M cafeteria.
We see some students eating when suddenly Mac Tonight comes fuckin' flying into the table, knocking the food everywhere and destroying the soda machine, blasting fuckin' loose soda out of the sides and all over the fuckin' floor and several people.
"Mountain Dew." Mac said in a computerized voice.
Megamind started fucking ranting about vaccines as he pulled a container called "Liquid AIDS" out of the soda machine and shoved it down Mac Tonight's throat.
"Are you FUCKING kidding me, man? Right during PRIDE MONTH?" Mac SCREAMED as he kickflipped Megamind halfway across the U of M campus as that shit collapsed like the fuckin' WTC.
Megamind fuckin' farted his lungs out and died.
"MEGAMIND! NOOOOO!" screamed Minion as he came out of nowhere and stuck a new pair of lungs up Megamind's ass, reviving him.
"Thank you, Minion. Crapping out my lungs would've been quite the SHITTY ending." said Megamind as he looked into the screen and winked.
We then randomly cut to a fuckin' commercial for Romano's Macaroni Grill, but the waitstaff were a fuckin' army of Mac Tonights who moved disturbingly robotically. One of the Mac Tonights attempted to serve some couple their food, but he dropped a fuckin' pasta platter onto the floor and sprayed cheesy fuckin' sauce all over himself.
"Hey, you gonna get us a new plate?" said the guy at the table.
Mac just fuckin' stared at the guy soundlessly.
"You gonna clean that up, man? I'm not paying for that!" the guy yelled.
Mac just kept fuckin' staring.
"Is this funny to you? Do you want to lose your job?" the dude yelled.
"Michael, calm down!" yelled his girlfriend or whatever as Mac just kept..... fuckin' staring, his head slowly cocking to the side.
"Fuckin' ASSHOLE!" screamed the man as he knocked Mac to the floor and the footage cut out as the beginning of a scream was heard.
The Macaroni Grill logo appeared, but the "M" in Macaroni was the McDonald's M and the logo now said "Mc'Aroni Grill".
We cut to a literal fucking cow in a field talking about how Amy Schumer isn't funny.
The hell? How the fuck was the cow talking? Cows don't fuckin' talk, was this CGI? Such fuckin' bullshit. SUCH. FUCKIN'. SHIT.
The cow then said
"My ass is a circus, and you're the clown."
Before it fuckin' farted, blasting fuckin' hay out of its ass and wilting the fuckin' plant life. Dead motherfucking birds began to fall from the fucking sky at the wretched stench.
Mac Tonight then flew in on his piano and started shoving the cow into some kinda fuckin' meat machine as he began to crack a comically oversized pepper shaker onto the meat.
He began to sing to the tune of the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. theme song.
"So no one told you life was gonna be this way
If they taught sex in school, my DICK would get an A
I jammed black beans into your VCR
And I get more ass than a toilet seat, and yo' bitch is stuck in shit's creek
Cause
I'm a fuckin' beast
(The Notorious M.A.C.)
I bombed the Middle East
(Like you wouldn't believe)
One plus one is two
HROOOOOOOOO"
Aw, FUCK! That scream at the end hurt my fuckin' ears.
And just when I thought Mac was done, he began a fuckin' second verse:
"So no one told you that your mom's a fuckin' ho
I think that Santa Claus should get some fuckin' blow
But Mrs. Claus has made it very clear
That Santa Claus is only supposed to COME once a fuckin' year
Oh
The X-Men are real
(It's a done fuckin' deal)
Bowser from Mario
(Slingin' drugs thru Brooklyn-o)
I'll be there for you
HROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
This time the scream was so fuckin' loud that I was beginning to worry if someone was gonna call the fuckin' cops to my place.
Why the fuck was this "movie" so Mac Tonight centric? Where the fuck was Megamind? Half the scenes were just Mac Tonight being a fuckin' dick!
As if on cue, Megamind burst out of the ground, straight through Mac's fuckin' flying piano, spraying keys and wood and strings and SHIT everywhere. This entire scene was in slow motion and shot from so many fuckin' dramatic angles that I was beginning to wonder if Zach fuckin' Snyder directed it.
"MAAAAAAAAAC!" Megamind screamed as he pulled out a massive machine gun and repeatedly blasted Mac Tonight directly in the face.
We then see Minion come out of absolutely fucking nowhere, grab Mac Tonight, and fucking backflip into the air with him as he screamed "Filet THIS, motha FUCKAAAAAAAAA!"
Minion came crashing down to the ground with Mac, breaking Mac's fucking neck and shattering his Moon head into little pieces.
The nightmare was over.
The next scene was just a black screen accompanied by the sound of someone loudly knocking on a door before the disc ejected itself out of my DVD player and broke.
I've had it with these fucking lousy crossovers.
Credited to Chimichangar
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