Mickey's Birthday Bash
Alright sit down and shut up I'm going to tell you a story. My name is Ray Boccino and I'm a well was a caporegime for The Granny Dryden Gang. This was up until a few weeks ago when my bosses decided to arrange for me to be killed.
My bosses were Granny Dryden and her second in command Frank Vinci. They always distrusted me and thought that I was an informant for the Heinz Baked Bean Company. I don't even like Heinz Baked Beans. They also distrusted me because I was good friends with Glancy Drown a lieutenant of the gang who had turned out to be a federal informant.
Now then I bet you're wondering what the story was that led up to me getting set up to be killed. Well I'll tell you for you are quite an impatient chocolate digestive biscuit aren't you?
Whatever, now this story all began on a freezing cold afternoon in February. I was sitting inside my restaurant the Saint Marks Bistro listening to a podcast by Uncle Ramus. My waiter Sonny Forelli came up to me and said, "Vice City is twenty four carrot sold these days. Even Wallace is cutting himself a new quite slice." "The fuck does that mean?" I asked confused to which Sonny replied with, "Mrs Dryden wants to speak to you. Also rub my feet boy."
Granny Dryden and Frank Vinci had been on my case a lot more than usual. Recently a gang known as The Lost Episode Resistance stirred up a huge war by killing Johnny Buggerton the second in command of Prime Minister and secret crime boss Rabe Maniels. Dryden and Vinci were good friends of Maniels and suspected me of setting Buggerton up and warned to send Mr Tong after me if I didn't behave myself like some kind of Barry B. Benson.
Dryden came in followed by Vinci while I was rubbing Sonny's feet. "Ray!" Dryden yelled before continuing with, "stop being such a weirdo and get your ass over here now!" I walked over to Dryden who said, "Rabe has got a new lost episode DVD which he needs viewing before it gets shipped out to Cardiff tomorrow morning. I asked Vlad and Derek to do it but they're busy handling problems with our accountant Captain Hook."
Okay let me explain some things. Vlad and Derek are both capos as well. Vlad is by far the most powerful and trusted of the three of us. He owns a bar called Otter N Jam and he also works for The Rabe Maniels Crime Syndicate as their debt collector. Meanwhile Derek is the head of the Southport Docks along with being the head of the Longshore Union which Vlad was also a member of. Derek helps with our smuggling and pink custard dealing businesses. He is also incredibly fat but takes about 9000 years to eat a steak because his mother never told him now to eat properly and that's just sad in my humble opinion.
"Can't you just get that fat fuck Derek to do it?" I asked confused which caused Vinci to slap me before saying, "no! Derek is incredibly busy like we just said. Got to learn to listen Lou." Before I could say that my name isn't Lou Frank had already continued speaking with, "the DVD is over in Harwood. Our contact Tony Cipriani will give it to you." "But but..." Before I could say anything else I was rudely thrown out of my own damn restaurant while Dryden and Vinci helped themselves to a slice of pizza and some spaghetti. The rude bastards.
I made my way over to my car and drove up to Harwood. Years ago Harwood was the sight of the infamous Harwood Butcher who allegedly ate an alive chicken without butchering it. How sick can some people be right?
I made my way down towards the junkyard where Toni Cipriani and his right-hand man JD O'Toole were waiting for me. "You got the DVD?" I asked while rolling down the hill next to the yard. "Sure but first you need to help me with my laundry. They won't sell." Tony explained. "What? I'm busy asshole." I said while turning to leave only to get stopped by O'Toole who said, "I hear it all over you're headed for big things."
So I was forced to help Cipriani take out his laundry all the while O'Toole looked at me weirdly because I reminded him of Charles No who was actually named Charles Yes. Big difference I know it's enough to make even SirHorror cry. Tony also tried to beat up the owner Mr Washee Washee. This caused us to be chased out of the laundromat by Washee who hated Tony's guts due to a bad experience which all happened during the summer of 1998. It's quite a funny story actually but I can't be arsed telling you.
So I dropped Tony and O'Toole off at Tony's mom's apartment. Yes he still lived with his mom despite him being 46 years old. He didn't even have a wife for he preferred to the company of the local tax master Mr Tax. Then again who didn't?
O'Toole made his way inside the apartment complex farting violently as he did so. Also he was wearing a disgusting white tank top which was covered in sweat and rotten ketchup. Tony turned to me and handed me a DVD disc before saying, "it's a super special secret DVD. You can watch it with me and JD if you like." I proceeded to slap him across the face before saying, "in your dreams tough guy." I began to make my leave and I heard Tony yell, "but Mr Leone I thought we had history!" You see Tony is quite insane from eating too much pink custard. Poor poor Bob The Tomato.
I drove back to my restaurant and decided I would watch it on the TV in the backroom. Once I arrived at the backroom I looked the disc over but there was nothing on it. Well actually there was a badly drawn picture of the Scarecrow from the Wizard of OZ smoking a joint. That could be any fucking show!
I popped the disc into the DVD player and waited for it to set itself up. The DVD started with some commercials which were really strange to say the very least. One commercial had Donald Duck trying to count his taxes, another had Tony eating dinner with JD with the sound of cash registers in the background, and another had Mung Daal from Chowder crying and eating his shoes for what seemed like hours. My hair was even beginning to turn grey.
Anyways a main menu FINALLY appeared after like two hours of waiting and it was an animation of Mickey Mouse throwing up in a trash can. There was only one option and it read, "play episode." So you better believe I clicked that bad boy.
So the intro started and I saw that it was an episode of the new Mickey Mouse show which started back in 2013. Mickey Mouse was a semi-new show having only started in 2013 like I just said. It's style and tone was far closer to the old Mickey Mouse shorts of the 1930's and 40's. At least it was far more closer than the atrocity that was Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Fuck that show man.
Anyways, the episode started with a title card which read, "Mickey's Birthday Bash." The song, "All Night Long," by Lionel Ritchie was playing in the background.
The episode then started with Mickey mixing something into a bowl. He was getting shit all over the place before he turned to face Pluto and said, "Pluto today is that stupid prick Donald Duck's birthday and I have to get an entire surprise party ready for him all by myself." Mickey continued stirring like mad and then threw the disgusting looking mixture onto a baking tray. He then took a steamy dump on it before placing it into an oven.
While it was cooking a knock occurred at the door, and Mickey went to go and see who it was. I couldn't believe what I saw! When Mickey opened the door he saw that it was Minnie Mouse. Only it wasn't Minnie Mouse at all it was Marty Santorelli an infamous movie critic who lives inside an oyster. Not even joking on that one.
For some reason Mickey didn't seem to notice that Minnie wasn't well Minnie and allowed Marty to come into his house. "Joe said I did good with the greasers and said I could come along again." Marty explained while Mickey pulled out the disgusting mixture from before which had burnt into a crisp.
Mickey began to panic and looked at the clock. "I've only got one hour till Donald arrives." Mickey began dancing around the house in a mad panic when he realised that he didn't have any of the stuff he needed for the party.
Mickey jumped out of his own window and stole some old lady's car in a GTA style and drove towards the local Tesco. It was an actual Tesco store. Mickey ran inside and soon learned that all the balloons and other things needed for a birthday were all sold out.
They actually weren't sold out but the owner who was actually Merlin the Wizard from The Sword and The Stone refused to give them to Mickey because he hated that mouse with a flaming passion. Mickey then pulled out a fucking handgun and aimed at the owner and yelled "GIVE ME THE STUFF RIGHT NOW!" The owner said "Alright, you can have all of it." Mickey grabbed all of the stuff he could and ran outside of the Tesco's store all the while getting chased down by waves upon waves of police cars.
Arriving back at the house, Mickey managed to get everything set up for the birthday party. Then Mickey realised another problem. He didn't have a present to give to Donald. Mickey then went upstairs into his bedroom to look for something he could give to Donald. That's when an idea struck him. A light bulb appeared above Mickey which then broke causing shards of glass to get into his eye but Mickey did not care. He was clearly taking lessons from his mentor Rap Rat because Rap Rat is the boss after all.
Suddenly several loud knocks could be heard on the door and Mickey ran downstairs to answer it. All of his friends walked in including Donald, Goofy, Daisy, Huey, Dewey, Louie, Scrooge McDuck, Von Drake, Mortimer, Pete, Oswald the rabbit, and even Jesus Quesadilla for some weird reason. "Can I have a Thompson please? Pretty please with sugar and sprinkles on top and such." Jesus Quesadilla asked Goofy who was so high. So high as Jason Derulo once sang. Goofy then replied in a wheezing voice, "sure thing Jesus Quesadilla!"
The party then began with a blast with Donald dancing while Pete did a beat to the beats of the jungle. Everything seemed to be going well until Marty suggested that they started opening up presents and everyone agreed.
Everyone sat themselves down on the floor in a large circle. They each took turns giving Donald their respected present. "Happy Birthday Sammy." Mrs Chu said while giving Donald his very own pack of chewits which had plagued her son Winston for years. You see Donald was really named Sammy and used to eat in Mrs Chu's restaurant every day. Just sitting there quietly eating his dinner.
Donald eventually got to Mickey who said, "Donald my present is extra special since your my best friend. So would you mind closing your eyes everyone including you Donald?" Everyone complied by shutting their eyes tight and Mickey walked behind Donald holding a meatcleaver. However Goofy ended up sneezing an above average sneeze. It was so loud it that my TV screen actually started cracking.
The loud sneeze ended up catching Mickey off guard and he accidentally threw the meatcleaver right through Marty's hat which smelt of rotten barbecue sauce. Mickey ended up pulling the cleaver downwards causing it to slice through Marty's skull killing him instantly. "Oh my God!" Daisy yelled before continuing with, "Mickey how could you!?"
Then all of the sudden Joe Barbaro came in holding a tommygun and forced Mickey to face him. "This is for Marty!" Joe yelled as he proceeded to shoot the ever living daylights out of the mouse. "No!!" Donald yelled at the top of his lungs as he attempted to overpower Barbaro only to get thrown into the oven by Mortimer who wished to cook him into a lovely chicken dinner even though Donald was a duck not a chicken. What the fuck?
Suddenly all hell broke loose with characters dying left and right. It was an absoloute massacre. Johnny Ratface began shooting up Jesus Quesadilla before yelling, "call the rest of the boys I need them here now!" Goofy was garrotted from behind the sofa by Daisy. Sounds dirty doesn't it? Even more scary was when Scrooge and Von Drake began eating the cooked Donald despite being ducks themselves.
After a while the only survivors were Scrooge, Joe, Von Drake, Daisy and Johnny. They walked out on the streets and stole themselves the same car which Mickey had stolen earlier. They drove towards the theatre burning it to the ground and then proceeded to burn several other establishments including the theme park, dockyard, and even the mini mall where Phineas was milking a cow while Ferb ate dinner with Bishop Brennan.
Soon Von Drake and his cohorts were corned by a large brick wall with the chief of police who was actually the Sheriff of Nottingham from Robin Hood wearing a name tag that read "Mr. Tax" on it walked up to them and yelled "Surrender now or we will be forced to kill each and everyone of you assholes!" "Over my dead body!" Daisy yelled while charging towards the chief who then ordered for the firing squad to start shooting. Daisy and her cohorts were all killed except for Joe who managed to escape.
It then cuts to Joe running down the street, he was stopped by a purple car which had Leo Galente driving it. "Get into my spiffy wiffy car." Leo said as Joe did as he was told and got inside the car. Whilst getting in Joe saw that Ronald McDonald was also in the car along with the Mcnugget Buddies. "Ronald why are the Mcnugget Buddies so scared?" Joe asked while putting on his seatbelt. "Because we're chicken." The Mcnuggets laughed as Joe started the car's engine and sped down the highway.
Suddenly, Cap'n Crunch appeared on screen driving the Crunch Mobile. He turned to face the screen and said, "Terrifying isn't it?" With that the episode ended with the Family Guy credits for some strange reason. Then all of the sudden there was a post credits scene which Dr Foulkes performing heart surgery on a patient. The patient woke up mid-surgery and asked, "How do you like that Mickey Mouse episode?" "What?" Dr Foulkes asked bewildered as the patient died. Nope not even joking he just straight up died.
I pulled out a handgun and shot the DVD player 69 times. I then grabbed a spear and threw it right through the television screen.
I attempted to leave the restaurant only to get grabbed by Father Jessop and Willie Cicci. Father Jessop is Bishop Brennan's PA while Cicci is a hitman for The Rabe Maniels Crime Syndicate. "What are you doing!? Let go off me let go!" I yelled as Jessop said, "no can do dear for Granny Dryden has ordered your death. We know you've been talking to the Feds and that prick Dave Norton." "I never talked!" I yelled as I was a disgusting sponge doused in vinegar was thrown into my mouth by Cicci. Cicci turned to face Jessop and asked, "but what if the Resistance try and save him? They're a lot smarter than Rabe thinks. They were the ones who whacked Buggerton." "Shut up paisano and help me take Boccino here down to the park!" Jessop barked angrily as Cicci reluctantly complied and helped Jessop with moving me towards the park the same park that Glancy Drown was killed at.
We arrived at the park where we met Zi Wai the head enforcer of the Dryden Gang. He was accompanied by a large group of bodyguards including Father Williams and Father Smelly Hound. Jessop threw down onto the floor and moved out of Zi Wai's way who pulled out a large and rotten piece of spotted dick. I should also mention that I had been tied up by Cicci in order to stop me from escaping. Duh! "You shouldn't have ratted us out Ray. It's a shame really I always liked you." Zi Wai blushed as he said this. Zi Wai always had a hard on for the local washing machine dealer. Zi Wai proceeded to raise the spotted dick right into the air while Jessop said, "any last words Ray?"
Suddenly the most extraordinary thing happened. Loud gunshots could be heard from behind Zi Wai and Father Jessop. It was The Lost Episode Resistance! "Did somebody say penis?" Dorium Maldovar asked as he shot Fathers Williams and Smelly Hound in the head with a shotgun killing them instantly. Shadow Lioness was also there and yelled, "don't let Jessop and Zi Wai get away Dorium!"
BC Network appeared behind me and managed to cut me free. "Thanks." I said as BC Network threw me a Winchester repeater. We shot our way through all of Zi Wai's backup until I was shot in the shoulder by Jessop. "I knew you were a traitor." Jessop said before continuing with, "Bishop Brennan sends his regards." "Fuck you." I said as I managed to shoot Jessop before he could shoot me. The shot was bad. It caught Jessop right in his chest. "Oh I do love to be by the seaside." Jessop sang as Richard Fatchurd farted in his face causing his skin to melt off. Jessop then fell to the floor dead.
After we dealt with Jessop, we set our sights upon Zi Wai who was busy having a bloody fight with Fred. "You'll never win guys. If anything happens to me then Dryden will get Rabe to send Tong to ask questions." Zi Wai warned as he managed to throw Fred across the park with his immense strength. Zi Wai was able to defeat Shadow Lioness, Richard Fatchurd, and BC Network with ease.
Then Sa'Luk a new recruit of the Resistance appeared behind Zi Wai before singing, "Stick with me I'm the one you need I'm the king of generosity!" He then shoved his clawed hand right into Zi Wai's face pushing his claws right through to the other side of Zi Wai's face. Zi Wai then collapsed on the floor dead in a pool of blood.
Suddenly a blue van pulled up on the park with Mrs Moore driving it. "Let's get out of here." Mrs Moore yelled as we all did what we told. While climbing into the van, Willie Cicci tried to shoot me but I managed to get a shot right at his shoulder. Cicci clutched his shoulder in pain and attempted to flee down the streets only to get run over by a car.
I shut the van's door tight as Mrs Moore began speeding down the streets. BC Network then sighed before saying, "This war is getting worse and worse by the day." Shadow Lioness then spoke up by saying, "you've got that right BC Network. I mean Johnny Buggerton's dead but still Rabe Maniels keeps attacking us."
I sat on the far side of the van smoking a cigarette when BC Network came up and said, "Dryden gave you that Mickey Mouse DVD in order to set you up for a trap." "How did you know to find me?" I asked and BC replied with, "an old wizard told us." "Right...." I said before continuing with, "but why risk your lives to save me?" "Because you silly goose," Lioness said before continuing with, "we need all the help we can get. Dryden doesn't trust you because she thinks you're a rat just because you were friends with Glancy Drown." I looked at Lioness and said, "I'll help you and your Resistance out in any way I can. Have you guys got any place where I can lay low for a while? If Dryden wants me dead then I gotta disappear fast."
Mrs Moore who was sitting in the driver seat chimed in with, "yeah especially since you helped us kill Jessop and Zi Wai. With Father Jessop dead, Bishop Brennan will want us dead now too." "Yeah..." I said while smoking my cigarette. BC Network patted his shoe on the ground in a small tune before saying, "the good news it that The Shadow Reader is getting out of the hospital later today." "This is good news!" Richard Fatchurd proclaimed while downing 45 kegs of beer.
Shadow Lioness who was busy watching Shrek The Third on her phone looked up at BC Network and asked, "what time will he be arriving?" Sa'Luk interrupted BC Network by saying, "he'll be coming around the mountain in Hushaby City." Somehow everyone understood what Sa'Luk meant including me. Don't you? Aw well that's too fucking bad as Mr Felly once said.
Arriving at the Yorkshire Hills Compound, we saw an ambulance stationed outside the house. "Is Shadow okay Doc?" BC Network asked one of the doctors who rudely said, "shut up boyio I got lives that need saving so quit distracting me." And with that that the miserable doctor and the ambulance drove off into the distance. Only joking they ended u crashing into a tree which caused the ambulance to explode. "Now that's karma." BC Network said he showed me into the house. Skyrunner was lingering around in the main lobby clearly waiting for us to arrive. "He's in his office." Skyrunner said as we all followed behind him.
Arriving at Shadow's office, we saw Shadow sat at his desk in a red dressing gown. He looked rougher than Shrek does on karaoke night with Simon Cowell at Far Far Away Idol. Shadow had actually been advised to rest by doctors but he demanded to know what the Resistance's situation was like with Rabe Maniels. He still couldn't talk much because quite frankly he was quite lazy right now for some strange reason. Not really sure why but whatever. The room was full with Shadow's caporegimes BC Network, Richard Fatchurd, Lazarus Marmite, and Frankely Hott all there. Even the lieutenants including Tyler Jamison, Shadow Lioness, Frankely Hott, Random Fiend, and Matthew Williams were there to hear what Shadow had to say.
When Shadow learned that I would be joining the Resistance after being betrayed by Granny Dryden he nodded his head approvingly. When he learned that Luca Brasi was taken by surprise and murdered by Salvatore Manetti on Rabe's orders, Shadow began tearing up and actually had to excuse himself for a good half hour.
When he came back, Shadow was holding a cup of tea and sat back down at his desk. When Shadow learned that Salvatore Manetti was gunned down by Lazarus Marmite's men he shook his head and sighed calling it an unnessacary act of retaliation. But what distressed Shadow most of all was when he learned that Johnny Buggerton was killed by the Resistance igniting a war between the Resistance and every other gang in the city.
Shadow turned to face Skyrunner and asked, "is it certain that Luca Brasi is dead." Skyrunner nodded and with that Shadow ordered everyone to leave apart from me and Matthew Williams. Shadow gestured for Matthew and me to come towards him.
Shadow turned to Williams and said, "Skyrunner was not the right person to lead when I had my little accident. I see that now. He must make peace with the other gang leaders before the entire Resistance gets wiped out by Rabe Maniels and his forces." "I understand Boss but.." Matthew was rudely cut off as Shadow yelled, "just do it and I'll get you an Atari!" Matthew began dancing out of the office like a sad clown.
Shadow turned to face me and said, "I'll need a couple more months of rest before I can fully regain the strength to run the show again. Meanwhile Skyrunner is leading war against the other gangs in the city." Shadow then farted before slowly closing his eyes as he fell into a deep slumber. I had to close the door because of how bad the smell was.
Outside in the main lobby, BC Network was going off on Skyrunner by saying, "we're losing guys by the day. Rabe wants us dead. We need to make a peace or some kind of deal." "No deal!" Skyrunner yelled before continuing with, "no disrespect BC but you don't know nothing about a gang war. Leave it to me. Shadow made me his second in command for a reason ya know?" "We haven't got the muscle for this kind of thing anymore Skyrunner." BC said before continuing with, "Luca's dead where is our strength coming from now?"
Skyrunner pushed BC out of his way and made his way into the kitchen for a cup of a coffee. I sat on a small wooden chair located outside of Shadow's office smoking my cigarette and dreaming about chocolate digestive biscuits.
The Great Gang War
The Great Gang War of 2020 between The Lost Episode Resistance and all the other gangs in the city proved to be expensive for both sides. It was made even more complicated by Skyrunner's terrible business decisions such opening up a donut store in 18K's territory despite protests from BC Network and Frankely Hott. The store was eventually burnt by the vengeful Dryden Gang who desired vengeance for Zi Wai's death and Ray Boccino's betrayal.
Over the rest of February other things began to become obvious. The most obvious being of course was that The Lost Episode Resistance had overmatched itself.
There were reasons for this. With The Shadow Reader still too weak to take a part a great deal of the Resistance's strength was lost. Luca Brasi's death back in December had also weakened the Resistance considerably and lost them their biggest asset. Also the recent months of conflict had seriously eroded the fighting capabilities of the caporegimes.
Richard Fatchurd was still a very dangerous executioner and great judge of character but he no longer had the youthful fitness or strength to lead troops in a time of war. BC Network had mellowed out considerably over time and was not ruthless enough anymore. Matthew didn't want any blood and was losing men every day because of this attitude. Frankely Hott continued to butt heads with Skyrunner over how they ran the business. Lazarus Marmite on the other hand followed Skyrunner's every order without question which again brought a lot of heat down onto the Resistance.
Skyrunner was not a fool and recognised these weaknesses in the Resistance's wartime structure but he couldn't do anything to remedy them. He wasn't The Shadow Reader and only Shadow could replace the caporegimes and the very act of replacement was a danger in it's own self. It might inspire some treachery.
He was also busy creating his master plan which was to kill all the gang leaders including Rabe Maniels in one grand masterful stroke. In just one strike, all of the Resistance's enemies would be wiped out. However the gang leaders were wary of the Resistance and had stopped appearing in public. They had all gone into hiding. Even Rabe Maniels had gone into hiding and no longer left 10 Downing Street.
The Resistance and the other gangs were in stalemate.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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