Moaning Lisa
One foggy, rainy winter day in the dead of July I came upon a VHS tape in the middle of the street. Written on it in big red uppercase letters was "SIMPSONSLOSTEPISODE.POTATO".
I remembered the thing my mother told me when I was a little kid. "Never pick up a VHS tape that says "LOSTEPISODE.FILEEXTENSION" and put it inside your VHS player, or you will die a slow and painful death."
But, I'm fucking stupid, so I picked up the VHS tape. I like the Simpsons anyways so yeah.
I walked back to my house, and looked at the tape closer. The back side of the tape, again in big red uppercase letters, read 7G06.
I was instantly spooped by this. Could this be Dead 🅱art? Of course not, creepypastas are just stories. However, there was a slim possibility that I had picked up an un-made spoopy lost episode.
Not that spoopy Simpsons episodes weren't common, though. I'm sure yous have all heard of the Treehouse of Horror episodes.
I plopped the VHS in my VHS player, and sat on the carpet to watch.
It came on, strangely the intro was different. Everything was painted in hyper-realistic diarrhoea. The couch gag was everybody shitting themselves all over the couch.
I'm stupid as fuck so I thought it was a glitch even though this obviously isn't a fucking video game but shut up.
And then the episode started. The title was Moaning Lisa. And I was surprised because it said "SimpsonsLostEpisode.potato", and Moaning Lisa obviously is a part of the real Simpsons canon, not a lost episode, right?
But something was different. Lisa was in the bathroom, trying to turn on the sink. It appears as if it did not work.
Lisa screamed at the top of her lungs, "BLOODY FUCKING HELL! THIS FUCKING SINK WON'T BLOODY TURN ON! I DON'T HAVE ALL WANKING DAY TO DEAL WITH THIS BOLLOCKS!"
I was epically spooped. The Simpsons was an adult animated series, and occasionally used light profanity, but never on this scale. And this coming from a child? I was extremely offended.
"HEY! WATCH YO FUCKING PROFANITY!" I screamed at the TV.
Suddenly, Lisa's eyes turned hyper-realistic and bloody. She turned to me and stared at me for exactly 69.420 yottaseconds.
This lost episode of the Simpsons was super spoopy. Maybe this was a spoopy Kampuchean bootleg tape. However, it couldn't have been. I live in the British Empire! And no, I'm not a snooty tea-drinking aristocratic asshole, if that's what you think all Limeys are.
Anyways, Lisa went back to normal, and said "Well, looks like I'll have to my hands with water bottles."
Lisa stared at me again, this time for 13.37 milliseconds.
Then she grabbed a large bottle of water, went back to the sink and started washing her hands with it.
Suddenly, Bart Simpson hyper-realistically walked into the bathroom. Then, he hyper-realistically pulled out a hyper-realistically comically large spoon and hyper-realistically hit Lisa on the head, killing her instantly and turning her into a ghost.
It all connected there as I heard Lisa begin to moan.
This was what Moaning Lisa was supposed to be. An episode with Lisa moaning in it. It all made sense, right then and there.
Lisa started moaning loud and hyper-realistically.
By the time the episode was supposed to end, it didn't. The lost episode continued on for a whole year, which was boring as fuck because imagine a 365-day long episode of the Simpsons where it's nothing but Bart holding a large spoon and Lisa moaning and scolding him for killing her.
Then, Homer hyper-realistically broke down the hyper-realistic door, hyper-realistically strangling the hyper-realistically Bart until Bart hyper-realistically asphyxiated and then hyper-realistically died, also falling down hyper-realistically on the hyper-realistic floor.
Then, Marge came in hyper-realistically, and hyper-realistically had a hyper-realistic fight with Homer, and then they both had a hyper-realistic aneurysm and then hyper-realistically died.
The credits all said "YOU'RE NEXT BRO!", and then the episode ended, but not before the Simpsons, except for Maggie, all came in. They all walked slowly up to the screen with spoopy expressions on their face. What's even spoopier is that they were all in 3D, like the Simpsons in the Simpsons: Hit and Run.
Then they said, "Subscribe to PewDiePie, or else you're next!".
And then the episode ended.
Except it didn't. It was a loop of Homer dancing naked to Pink Floyd forever.
I tried to take the VHS out, but it wouldn't come out. Suddenly, the telephone rang.
I hadn't learned anything from the lost episode, so I picked it up sheepishly.
It was Dan Castellaneta's voice.
"YOU'RE NEXT BRO!"
I felt like seeing what Dan Castellaneta looked like so I looked him up. It said that he died the day before I got the phone call for no reason. An infamous question quickly formulated within the dark and fermented depths of my mind.
I took an bazooka out of my garage, and walked over to the TV. I looked at the nude figure of Homer dancing to "Another Brick in the Wall, Part II" for one last time, before loading my gun.
Just as I was ready to blow my VHS to Kingdom Come, a skeleton popped out of my TV, and I was so spooped that I entered cardiac arrest and then died.
It is from Hell that I write this story. Just so you know, this story has a moral; never pick up a lost episode VHS that you find in the middle of the street or else YOU WILL FUCKING DIE!
Oh, and I forgot to tell you something.
You wanna know what I thought after getting the phone call from the guy who voiced Homer and then finding out that he died?
"THEN WHO WAS PHONE?"
Original author unknown
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