What Would You Do for a Fox's Glacier Mint?
Author's note: So as I always say; this story is a funnypasta, and is therefore not intended to be taken seriously. And with that being said, please enjoy and please do make sure to leave your thoughts and feelings in the comment section down below.
What would you do for a Fox's Glacier Mint? Would you walk on broken glass, and let the shards tear you into your feet and you end up with no toes which could lead to some serious problems as you get older! Sorry about that, I wasn't thinking straight. Fox's Glacier Mints for those you not in on the loop are a refreshing boiled mint sweet sold in the United Kingdom, and they have been around for decades ever since 1918 to be exact. They are the best damn mints in the business, and in my humble bumble opinion those pale imitations like Mint Imperials and Trebor fail to live up to the quality standards of Fox's Glacier Mint. Oh and by the way name's Bucky O'Buck Neil. And you all know the drill by now right? War hero and all that shit. Now, I myself have been a fan of Glacier Mints for many a year. When I was a wee lad living in the hills, my Gran Gran used to take me down to the candy store on Mortimer Road. I would sit on the bench outside the store while she chatted with the manager about the rise in price for narcotics. While she was doing that, my uncle Finley would shove Glacier Mints down my throat so's I didn't dare to insult fat preacher ladies who were known to visit that damn candy store many times. Glacier Mints... man they really mean a lot to me, and without them supper time has no punchline. I love the sweet mint taste, but something that I and probably you as well didn't know is that the Glacier Mints brand as well as the Fox's Confectionary brand as a whole have a dark secret. Let's get down to business.
I thought that my love for Fox's Glacier Mint was just a simple love for a product, and I thought that people felt the same way, but evidently not. For you see; Glacier Mints are actually highly addictive but we'll talk more about that later. Glacier Mints were created in 1918 by a band of foxes known as the League Of Foxes. This is where the name Fox's actually came from. It was formed by two best friends; Mr Fox and John Fox who would go on to become the Fox's company mascot and spokesperson for the entire Glacier Mint brand as a whole. The pair had decided to create the Glacier Mints as a means to create the best mint that there ever was. You see; back in those days, sales for mints were at an all time low. The reason behind creating mints was actually quite funny. You see; during those times, the Fox company was a mass producer of fish cake flavoured biscuits. The biscuits were even shaped like fish. Sadly, the problem with the fish cake biscuits is that they left a rather rancid taste in your mouth and made your breath stink like a sink. Mr Fox tried one of the biscuits and ended up gagging violently as he said, "oh my that's rather smelly." He then looked over at John Fox who was smiling an incredibly sinister fox smile as he asked, "have you got anything to help get this horrible taste out of my mouth?" "Well I have this mint." John Fox said as he held up a large purple cushion which had a small black sweet siting atop it. The sweet was mouldy and covered in carpet dust. Mr Fox picked up the mint and shoved into his gob. Oh man the taste! It was so incredible it caused Mr Fox to go flying up into the sky. Somehow, Mr Fox was able to stay suspended in the sky as he dawned a pair of sunglasses and started dancing. He finally came back to the surface and demanded to know where John had gotten that mint from. "Well that's kind of a funny story." John said as he flashed Mr Fox an iconic grin.
John Fox had gotten the mint from a local candy store located in Butcher's Creek. It was ran by an incredibly sinister old man who would turn rude boys and girls into wax figures because he had an addiction to wax it would seem. In the 1950's, the cops were alerted about the old man's antics by a mouse with a severe nose injury. The police raided the store, but the old man had disappeared catching his private jet to Russia where he set up shop once again. The old candy shop owner is still alive to this day as he was immortal. His immorality came from the fact he would drink wax like it was coffee, and this prevented his body from ever aging though he still looked like an old fart on the outside. John had gone to the candy store in an attempt to get a job application. Not wanting John to expose his wax creating operations, the candy shop owner bribed John with the mint sweetie that he and Mr Fox now oh so desired. Oh, and if you're wondering why I'm not referring to the candy shop owner by name. Well that's because he has a very good lawyer who will happily sue my guts if I even dare to mention the shop owner's name. Oh buggering buggerton! Arriving at the candy store, Mr Fox and John Fox found that the old owner was waiting for them by the front door. "Ah Johnny so good to see you again!" The owner greeted happily as he shook the pair's paws before allowing them inside his store. Inside the store, John Fox saw a black pot which was located in the very centre of the room. There was a strong mint smell coming from the pot, and John Fox went over to the pot in order to see what it was. Suddenly, the old shop owner placed a lid onto the pot as he said in a very threatening tone of voice, "I know why you two came here." "Oh really do you?" Mr Fox asked in a rather sarcastic tone. The Sarcastic Mr Fox!
Of course, the old coot was already well aware of the pair's plans to find out about the mint that had given Mr Fox the ride of his life. The pair found the old coot to be extremely cordial and appeared to be more than willingly to tell the pair the recipe. That evening, the trio had themselves a few drinks at The Purple Otter with John Fox asking about the recipe of the mysterious minty mint. The old coot pulled Mr Fox and John right up to his old wrinkled mouth as he whispered, "can you two keep a secret? Oh, of course you can." He then went on to tell the pair that he had produced the mint from regular mint herbs, and then mixed the herbs with a band of slugs he had gotten from the Clearleaf Forest. Combining the slugs with the mint herbs, the old coot was able to make the greatest mint there ever was. "What type of slugs were they?" Mr Fox asked as he took a sip from a glass of scotch pre-war. "Any slugs will do matey boy. They must be alive when you throw them onto the boil. Make sure to grab the biggest slug that you can." And so after concluding their meeting with the old coot, Mr Fox and John Fox thumbed a lift to Clearleaf Forest, and spent the next couple hours scouting the area for some slugs. After seemingly forever, the pair eventually stumbled across an old bush which had loads of slug on top of it just chilling and reading a book on aero dynamics. The slugs were also smoking from pipes as they looked up at the pair and simply responded by shrugging the smuggest shrug you'd ever see. "Well what do we now?" John Fox asked as Mr Fox held up a large empty glass jar as he then proclaimed, "grab them!" John Fox grabbed slug after slug after slug after slug before tossing them into the empty glass jar. Once the slugs were taken care of, the pair headed back to the candy store and the old coot supplied them with some mint herbs. With the old coot's help, the pair were able to make this miracle mints which tasted even better than the one that Mr Fox had sampled earlier. Mr Fox grabbed John Fox by the ears and started dancing with him in a violent Italian Tarantella as he sang, "we're going to be rich my boy! Rich!"
At the Annual Farmers Market, the pair made it a personal pact to market the mints to only the wealthiest of business people. The pair hoped and prayed to receive a visit from then Mayor of Oakton City: Lionel McDuff. McDuff was a big chungus who was also a cocaine addict. He was very careful as he would cake eggs with coke, and pretend it was just honey sugar. Yes, McDuff is an addict so please don't wash his car and accept his money as that money is drug money. He wants to get you framed so's you lose your chance of ever going to Northwestern Medical School. In any case, Lionel McDuff frequented the Farmer's Market as he had a kinship with the farmers. As a young man before earning his massive belly, McDuff had rolled barrels along the fields with his father. It was back breaking work, but McDuff believed that it was this work that made him the man he is today, and that's truly beautiful in my opinion. Sadly on this particular farmer's market, Lionel was feeling very grumpy as he nearly got coned out of his millions by a man selling sun dials. "Hey man you wanna buy one of these?" The man asked as he opened up his trench coat and began flashing off his sun dials to McDuff. The man was then carried away by McDuff's enforcers to order to suffer a very painful death as punishment for bothering our beloved McDuff. After visiting many horrid stalls including a stall which murdered a man with a peanut allergy by feeding him a peanut butter flavoured pie, McDuff was ready to call it quits when he came across Mr Fox and John Fox's stall. McDuff appeared in front of the pair, but they didn't notice him as they were busy sleeping on the job. McDuff took a look around the stall as a very strong minty fragrance had pulled him towards it. The smell had yanked him by the nose hair and that's when he noticed a small wicker basket located on top of the stall. It was filled to the brim with the mints which had lost their black colour. The blazing hot Sun had bleached the sweets making them appear transparent.
At that moment, Lionel McDuff slammed his fist down on a small golden bell which caused both Mr Fox and John Fox to shoot up like bricks. The pair looked dumbfounded as Lionel McDuff glared down at them. He picked up one of the mints with his mighty hand of mightiness as he asked, "how much would you boys like for this mint?" "3.98." Mr Fox answered confidently. "3.98 are you insane?" John Fox asked quietly as he pulled Mr Fox aside for a brief moment. "I thought you were said we were only gonna charge £1.00 for these smackers." John Fox said to which Mr Fox responded with, "listen son; that fat fuck has got cash to burn. He's hardly going to miss 3.98. He's the richest man in all of Oakton City for crying out loud!" Defeated, John Fox sank his head in shame as he said, "well I suppose you're right." Returning to the stall, McDuff paid the pair their money and shoved one of the sweets into his mouth. Suddenly, McDuff's head came off from his body and shot into the cloudy sky. McDuff's head flew all the way past Hushaby Mountain as big green dollar signs appeared in his eyes as he proclaimed, "I could sell this for a high price!" That's when his head came crashing down and reattached itself to his body. After adjusting his head, McDuff pulled a small blank cheque book out from his arse as he said, "I could make you two very rich men. I will give you two your very own factory, provide you with the resources needed to make more of these fabulous mints, and I will also slap your faces on very base and very vase." McDuff stuck his long smelly hand out and the pair shook it without hesitation. It was time to start biggering, but first thing's first the pair needed a name for their company.
Twas Mr Fox himself who came up with the iconic name of Glacier Mints. He named the mints this because they were shaped an awful lot like Glaciers. Luckily, John Fox thought that it was a brilliant name as did his local washing machine dealer. McDuff was true to his word and provided the pair with a massive factory over on Riker's Field. The pair were biggering and the transparent sun bleached Glacier Mints became the design that was stuck with. Sadly, Mr Fox ultimately decided to ditch John's side once the latter became addicted to Glacier Mints. Despite, Mr Fox repeatedly telling Johnny not to get high on his own supply, the little tucker had failed to head his warning. John Fox would eat Glacier Mints by the dozen much to the disgust of Mr Fox. However, with all due respect, Mr Fox ain't no saint as he's actually quite the hypocrite. He chewed John out regularly for his love of Glacier Mints, but he himself was addicted to blueberries, but not ordinary blueberries mind you. Nac oes, for Mr Fox preferred adding a hint of sleeping powder to the blueberries which made them taste so much sweeter. They also give you this weird buzz before they knock you out for nighty night. Mr Fox would carry blueberries around with him in a small transparent bag and John Fox would do the same thing just with Glacier Mints instead of blueberries. Johnny understood Mr Fox's reasons for leaving and the pair bid themselves an emotional goodbye as Mr Fox caught a cab to Central London to begin a career as an accountant under Mr Badger. Sadly, Mr Badger was very racist and he couldn't stand foxes which meant that each and every day he and Mr Badger would hiss and growl at each other and very... very nearly come to blows. In Mr Fox's absence, Johnny Fox was running the company solo mode and he seemed to be doing quite a decent job at it. That's when he decided that the Glacier Mint brand needed a mascot.
Naturally, John Fox initially offered the job to his dear friend Montgomery Bear. Montgomery Bear who I shall just call Monty Bear from now acted as the mascot for the Fox's Biscuit brand. He was a very good salesman or sales panda rather as he would try to seduce the viewer into buying Fox's Biscuits by saying, "me want bisquits." Now, Monty Bear agreed to be the mascot for Glacier Mints and even offered to paint his black fur white so's he would like a polar bear which would be greatly suited for advertising such a sweet. Sadly, it all went topsy turvy when Monty Bear asked John Fox for two things; £100,000 and a trip to Venice. John Fox was very greedy so he turned down both requests, and he lost his mascot but Monty Bear did continue to appear as the spokesperson for Fox's Biscuit line. Though his charisma has greatly since diminished. Monty Bear wanted to go to Venice and planned on using the money to buy a yacht in order to sail the world with his one true love; Green M&M. The pair were actually going to get married in Venice, but when Monty failed to show up at the church everyone including Green assumed that he had jilted her. In a reaction to this lynching, Green opted to take a boat ride around Venice with Red & Yellow M&M. Sadly, the pair were very stupid as they kept tried to row the boat so that Green would be sitting across from them. Yellow glared at Red and said, "you fool red and green don't go together!" Red then eyed Yellow with the scariest glare you'd ever see as he threatened, "someone is going to get a smack in the eye if he doesn't keep quiet!" Fearing for his life, Yellow began peddling the boat like a mad man. Some story. Some M&M. Let's have cookie.
Sorry about that, now John Fox's next choice was Al mascot of PG Tips. You see; this was during time in which Al and Monkey the dynamic duo were going their separate ways. Al was desperate for work and was trying to land roles in incredibly serious TV dramas including one about a cynical bread maker who lies through her teeth in front of a policewoman who looks like she's high on toast or in the very least extremely tired. Don't you think she looks tired? Me too brother me too. Al answered the door to John Fox dressed as a highway man and threatened to blow John's head off with his bubble gun. Disgusted, John turned away only to get grabbed by the ear by Al who dragged John into the house. John looked very sick and was soaking wet as he had to walk through the streets in London to Al's house in a massive rainstorm. Al threw John into the washing machine, and put him on for an intense wash while he made some cups of hot sweet tea. Sometime later, John Fox sat at the table with Al drinking from his cup tea as he asked, "so what do you say Al? Want to be my spokesman?" "No can do Foxy baby." Al said with a smug grin as Monkey came holding a toy digger and a glass of ice tea. "Al who is this bloody bugger? What is he doing in my chair?" Al began rubbing his hands together as he made an incredibly weird nose as John Fox was chased out of the house by a very angry Monkey. John ended up getting the last laugh however as he led Monkey across the street where he ended up getting by a bus which was taking him to Germany. But Monkey doesn't speak German! Oh no! At this point, John Fox was getting pissed. Al and Monty had nothing but disappointments to him, and this is when he decided to do some soul searching in Antarctica where he found the man... or rather the bear of his dreams.
Antarctica was a beautiful place and John Fox had often considered settling down there permanently when he was a young kit searching for his place in a world full to the brim with cinnamon sinners. John Fox scouted the mountains for quite some time pondering a ponder about how far his company had come in the last several years. He debated on contacting Lionel McDuff to give full ownership of the company to him. Sadly, McDuff had long since stepped down as Mayor leaving his incompetent and former jester son; Travis to run Oakton City in his absence. Travis very nearly destroyed the city with his zany antics and tomfoolery, but that's a story for another day. Stay another stay another day! That's when John Fox came across a small hut located on the far side of an old depleted mountainside. Walking up to the hut, John found a large polar bear sitting on the front porch filing it's nails. John rubbed his paws together evilly as he asked, "I say old sport I must ask who are you?" "Who wants to know?" The polar bear asked but that's when he seemingly came to recognise John Fox as he said, "oh hang on a second aren't you that fox who runs the biscuit company or something?" "Yep that's me, and I've come to ask a favour of you." John Fox added as the polar bear asked, "and you've come here my sweet home to find yourself a mascot for your Glacier Mints is that correct?" John Fox looked puzzled at this and said rather awkwardly, "uh yes... that's right uh how exactly do you know all this?" "I've got my sources. There's this mouse. Real nice guy but he's got a really bad nose. He works for you as a freelance Glacier Mint salesman and he passed me all kinds of info." "Oh like what?" John Fox asked as he followed the polar bear inside his hut. The polar bear smiled to himself as he said, "oh you know the normal things; social security number, credit card details, and house address." "That bastard." John Fox said quietly as the polar bear got right up in his grill and asked in a rather threatening tone of voice, "I'm sorry what was that?"
It may have come off as threatening, but in reality, the polar bear was actually a trifle deaf in his left ear so please make sure to speak a little louder next time. The bear then introduced himself as being named Bear. Yep, that was seriously his name. Ay don't judge his parents though okay as Bear's father had been a Navy Seal. Ha ha a seal! Anyways, Bear after forcing John Fox to eat several cans of ice cold baked beans offered to be the official spokesman for the entire Glacier Mint brand. John Fox agreed happily, but that's when Bear demanded to become an equal shareholder in the entire Fox's Company. "Are you insane?" John asked rhetorically as Bear held one of his claws up to John's neck. He gulped heavily before saying, "okay... okay... point taken Bear." "Very good Fox. I see great things in our future kid. Great things." Bear said as he sat back down at his living room window in order to finish up reading a book all about stocks. Meanwhile, John Fox had retreated to the outhouse located at the very top of the mountain as he had gotten a bad case of the runs from those ice cold baked beans. The outhouse sat on top of an 1930's drill which had been used to mine salt so many moons ago. Long ago not so very long ago. The following morning at the arse crack of dawn, John Fox and Bear caught the first flight to Oakton City where almost immediately Bear put his paw down and became the top dog of the entire Fox's company. Within a matter of days, Bear had essentially turned John Fox into his lapdog. Bear was however very clever as he had hidden all of the Glacier Mints in an unmarked location. This was done in an attempt to thwart John's addiction to the candy. This was when the Great Glacier Mint fiasco began.
Prior to meeting Bear, John Fox and his staff had began constructing something known by the press as The Ultimate Fox's Glacier Mint. The Ultimate Fox's Glacier Mint was basically just a massive Glacier Mint. Massive I mean seriously it was the size of five double decker buses. John Fox planned on using The Ultimate Fox's Glacier Mint as his personal never ending Glacier Mint. He was only a little fox so it would take him a very long time to eat the entire mint. Bear knew what John was up and opted to stand atop The Ultimate Fox's Glacier Mint in order to stop John Fox from being able to eat it. For some reason, Bear very rarely left the comfort of The Ultimate Fox's Glacier Mint and would sit atop there for hours upon hours. John Fox would always try and catch Bear out and grab the Mint while he's not looking but it never worked. For the next several years and even to this very day, John Fox is still yet to have even had a lick of the The Ultimate Fox's Glacier Mint. He has tried many failed attempts to get Bear to get off from the Mint including pretending that Bear had won the lottery. However, Bear was incredibly smug and glared down at Fox as he asked, "but Fox can't you see I've already made a mint?" You see; the irony there is that Bear is standing on a Glacier Mint so therefore he has technically made a mint much to John Fox's chagrin. Another time, John Fox tried to make his very own Glacier Mint out of ice when he had brought with him all the way from Antarctica. "Oh Fox you can't make a Glacier Mint out from ice!" Bear remarked in the smuggest tone of voice you'd ever hear. Why so smug Bear? Of course as always, Bear ended up being right as the ice ended up melting beneath John's paws as he fell onto the cold dark ground drenched in ice cold water.
As the years went on, Bear grew to become more and more cynical. While initially, Bear still appeared to be a good friend to John Fox and always made it clear that he had John's best interests at heart. In later years, Bear gradually took a very high level in jerk ass much to the pain of John Fox and the rest of his staff. Eventually, John Fox gave up his addiction of Glacier Mints and his quest for The Ultimate Fox's Glacier Mint after being offered a job by the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham. Fox spent a gap year in Australia working as the Knights' official liaison with Shell. Fox and the Knights wanted Shell to cut down on their carbon footprint, and Fox eventually became a proud endorser for alternative fuels. Him and Cool Cat should hang out sometime. Fox tried his best to get Bear to join in on the scheme by complaining about his carbon footprint while within Bear's earshot. "Bear... I'm worried about my carbon footprint." John Fox said as an unmoved Bear simply responded by jumping on top of Fox's head very nearly crushing him to death. In another advert, Fox told Bear how much he cared about him and how he personally believed that Bear was his best friend in the whole entire universe. Bear (who was wearing earphones btw), took his earphones off as he asked, "I'm sorry Fox did you say something?" "Never mind." John Fox said albeit a little sadly as he decided to take a small trek up past Mortimer Road. Once at Mortimer Road, Fox thumbed a lift to Hamilton Flights where he took the next plane to Birkland. Word of Fox's absence very quickly got back to Bear but he didn't care now for he was now free to bigger his company in any way that he saw fit. He no longer had the fear of John Fox and the Easily Offended Knights breathing down his neck at every opportunity.
Realising that the Glacier Mints were obviously a hit with customers, Bear decided to begin adding an assortment of different flavoured Glaciers including lemon, raspberry, apple, among others. Fox had been aware of Bear adding new variations to the Glacier Mint formula, and he does not approve it and this was one of the many reasons behind his fleeing to Birkland. The story behind the new flavours is a rather sadistic one as in order to make them, Bear kidnapped a platoon of Meaches by luring them into a trap. He tricked the Meaches by kidnapping their Queen luring them to his condo. Once at the condo, Bear threw the entire platoon into a boiling pot and boiled them alive. Once boiled, he mixed the Meaches with the Glacier Mint formula in order to make the new fruity flavours. Of course, every once and awhile, a new platoon of Meaches try to stand up to the challenge and knock Bear down a peg, but he always manages to be one step ahead of them. No Meach is no much for good ole Bear to handle, and this was one of the many factors that made Bear seem so untouchable if such terms could be used, and in this particular context I think they can. Now, Bear was rather stupid as he failed to realise that the ranch he had been stealing the Meaches from; Meach Valley was actually government owned and protected by the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham. The Knights decided to get revenge on Bear by tying him to an old oak tree allowing for the Meaches to eat him. Once again, Bear showed just cunning he could be by singing a horrid choir version of Keeper Of The Reaper. Keeper Of The Reaper was known as a calming song for the Meaches. It was used during the 1920's by Welsh explorers who desires to make Mince Meach Pie. Save me a plate will you?
After escaping the trap laid by the Knights, Bear was captured outside the Court Centre by Men Of The Cloth. Killing Meaches was not only against government rules but it was also considered an impeachment of the Royal Family. So orders were put in place for Bear to serve time in the Tower Of London. He was to serve 9000 years in the Tower, but Bear had an ace in the hole. Oh yes he did! The judge looking over the case was none other than Judge Chungus a known addict to Glacier Mints. Judge Chungus was known to shove a couple up his nose every Wednesday evening. During the court case, the Prime Minister's transport liaison and head chef; Harry and Narry were called up to the stand to present their testimonies. However, Bear ended up turning the tables on them so that Judge Chungus would believe they were responsible for killing the Meaches. The evidence was good as Bear had photoshopped pictures of the pair killing the Meaches and presented said photos over to Judge Chungus and the jury. Suddenly, Judge Chungus' eyes became sly as he pointed at the accused Harry and Narry and yelled, "you two acted like a pair of hooligans! This court hereby sentences you to 9000 years in The Tower Of London." "But your honour you simply must consider." Harry and Narry both pleaded. As a result of their pleading, the pair's mouths were zipped like some kind of Mutant Zipper Man who has a thing for home invasions and dining with the wife of a Molinari Family Capo. Well then again who doesn't right? Um... sorry what oh anyways. The pair were locked up at the highest point of The Tower Of London, and they haven't seen the world in years. The only thing Harry has seen of the outside world in the last several years is a single dandelion which he had stuffed up his arse while getting arrested. When he and Narry finally leave prison, Harry hopes to plant the dandelion in the middle of town where everyone can see it. What Harry fails to realise is that dandelions are actually weeds. Stupid prick.
Following the court case, Bear felt no qualms about forcing two innocent men to spend the rest of their lives in prison while he roams free. Bear went back to running his business as usual when he came up with an even sweeter idea. This idea was very sweet and neat. Bear planned on striking up an alliance with Mama Bimkubwa who was known as the baroness of tea. Summoned to Africa for an audience with Mama Bimkubwa, Bear was forced to chug cup after cup after cup of Red Bush Tetley Tea until Mama Bimkubwa could even think of signing any papers. She also demanded that Bear pay a small loan of 60 grand to the local ape crisis which was ran by his grandson Kerchak. Not wanting to cough up any dough. Bear left Africa empty handed and moved to Birkland where he ended up falling into some pretty nasty gambling debts with a couple of Albanian hoods who were led by Niko the undisputed kingpin of Birkland. Niko would threaten Bear regularly by beating him with a golf club. Niko also threatened Bear to go out to dinner with his daughter who looks like a rat. This is because Niko's great grandfather had been a decedent of the Ratface family. Oh, and if you're wondering if Bear and John Fox ever ran into each other while Bear was in Birkland; the answer is, "no." John Fox had moved to Bazooka City where he started up his own brand of bootleg Glacier Mints which were made with the tuffs of a Truffula Tree. I just hope that John Fox won't fall down the same hole that once trapped Oncie. Start figuring on biggering Fox before it's too late! So, now that we've talked about the history of Glacier Mints. Let's finally round this thing off by talking about some of the many addicts to Glacier Mints, and the problems they've faced since becoming addicted to the candies.
Alerion Le Fonte head waiter at an acclaimed five star French restaurant came under fire after his locker was discovered to be filled with bags upon bags of Glacier Mints. Le Fonte was once an incredibly funny waiter who would wow guests with his stories from when he was working on the Eiffel Tower as a young lad. Now? Ever since he got hooked on Glacier Mints likely since 2005 when he was arrested in Droser Station for carrying Glacier Mints without a license. Since getting hooked, Le Fonte has become an incredibly dangerous man. Though he appeared to be kind and humble on the outside, on the inside Le Fonte was a cruel man who forced tourists to eat smelly meals at his restaurant. He would stare at them menacingly as they struggled to chew the stew. Ew chew the stew! That bastard Le Fonte was so cruel that he wouldn't even bother translating the menu into English for you, and in fact he would actually laugh at you as you were forced to ask him for a suggestion. Le Fonte always made sure to suggest the worst things on the menu which were always laced with a healthy dose of salmonella. You're a delightful person dear reader so I'm sorry about the salmonella. Thankfully in 2007, Le Font was taken downtown after his locker got raided by the police following an anonymous tip from a mouse with a severe nose injury. Should it not be annoymouse then? Ha ha WRONG! Following Le Fonte's sacking, the restaurant was closed down, and they threatened me with legal action if I even dared to mention their name in this doc. I shall not say the name or the county's done for? In that right Dickens? Oh, and Le Fonte's is going to be just fine. Last I heard, he's developed a thing for sleeping outside the Courthouse. Alerion Le Fonte, you've changed.
Commodore Hudgins; creator of my personal favourite TV show Glad To Be Sad was also sadly another known addict to Glacier Mints. The Glacier Mints seemed to affect Hudgins even more so than they did Le Fonte. For you see; in his later years, Hudgins has developed a thing for people who can't stop him at a train station. His intake of Glacier Mints had made the old seadog all the more suggestive to people who picked him up from Port Royale. One time, Captain Pugwash picked Hudgins up and took him for a ride to the Dockyards. During the car ride, Hudgins under the influence of Glacier Mints and also being a fricking weirdo started touching Pugwash up. "Oh no!" Pugwash cried as Hudgins asked, "are you an old seadog Puggy?" While Commodore Hudgins tried his best to touch up Pugwash, the Captain stuck his head out from the car window and demanded the cab driver keep driving until he eventually ended up crashing into an oak tree killing only the driver but Pugwash and Commodore Hudgins managed to escape the ride unscathed. Commodore Hudgins was never tried in court due to unknown reasons, and Pugwash ended up being the one to be charged. Hmm quite a story. Quite a Hudgins. Some people beg to differ on whether the Glacier Mints were the cause of Hudgin's insanity as some claim he had not eaten a since Glacier Mint prior to his interaction with Pugwash, but I'm afraid the choice is ultimately up to you.
Oh, and before we go on I should also mention that prior to meeting with Mama Bimkubwa, Bear had tried to gain an alliance with PG Tips after their failed chance encounter with John Fox all those years ago. Much like Bimkubwa, PG Tips had some terms and conditions needed. Now, Monkey and Al were more than willingly to strike up a brand deal with Glacier Mints, but in order for the brand deal to go through, Monkey wanted Bear to assassinate Mr Toad who had began stealing boxes of PG Tips by the dozen. Supplied with a Dodo Prop Plane, Bear got into a massive air dogfight with Mr Toad, but the fight ended up coming to a close rather quickly as prior to taking off Bear had helped himself to a big glass of orange juice at the suggestion of Mr Toad. He failed to realise that Toad had laced the drink with Mega Shits 9000; an incredibly potent laxative which is banned in New Zealand and New Jersey. Bear was forced to make an emergency landing in order to take a big ole dump thus allowing for Mr Toad to escape the city unscathed. "The deal's off pal." Monkey said evilly as he had Bear kicked in the groin by Al. Al was not the violent man but since starring in those serious dramas he's become a man with a frown and that's just sad.
Buying a bag of Glacier Mints isn't easy any more as you are required to have a Glacier Mint license. Getting a license ain't no cake walk as you are forced to solve an incredibly complex riddle involving a goose, and then you are required to dance with the Yeti Krab. Not having a license will result in Glacier Mint enforcers harassing you in the street with, "where's your Glacier Mint license Mickey Bob?" They'll always call you Mickey Bob even if that's not your name, and if you are named Mickey Bob then you will name you Steve. Of course, you can get counterfeit licenses from places like Vernon Enterprises. Once, you buy your bag of Glacier Mints, you are required to hold your license up to any person who asks to see it. While showing anyone the license, you need to smile the smuggest smile that the world has ever seen. Only then can you truly have a license to Glacier. Oh, and of course you need different licenses for all flavours of Glacier Mints, and each time you want to get a new one it'll cost you an additional £50. Speaking of money, let's talk about the price. The pricing for Glacier Mints has gotten so bad that many people including yours truly have stopped buying Glacier Mints all together. I personally have began buying other mints like Mint Imperials, Trebor, and even Lyman's. These rise in prices are just another sign of the time Miss Jones. Oh, and because of the rise in price for Glacier Mints, I was unable to have one before attending an interview with Widdecombe and Pump. They ended up not hiring me because my breath smelt really bad. Like a Turkish garden hose is what they said.
Well, that's the end of our little story for I have nothing more to stay. In all fairness, Glacier Mints in stark contrast to places like Burger King and KFC or even Jammie Dodgers, it doesn't have a long comprehensive story. It's an open and shut case as it were. If only John Fox and Mr Fox had stayed together, for ole Fox was the only who could John under control. Without his constant care and control, John ended up flying off the rails in more ways than one. Bear also learned a lesson in being a massive prick as he has now become Niko's lapdog. Perhaps it's finally time for Bear to earn his salt, and by that I of course mean earn his redemption. Personally, I never really liked Glacier Mints anyway. I was just wanted an excuse to talk to you about them because they are a quite interesting thing to talk about well at least from my perspective anyway. Goodbye for now readers. I've just had a big dinner, but I'm feeling really hungry. In fact, I fancy a snack. Not just any snack mind you. I fancy... I fancy... a tailor. See you on the rebound slicks.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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